Since becoming a mom almost 6 years ago when Caleb was born… I always had a great desire to nurse my children. Due to complications though I was unable to nurse both Caleb and Taite… Each for different reasons… I remember feeling a great sadness each time… but also a great relief that both of them did so well on formula. They thrived… were healthy… and at ages 5 and 3 today we have no doubt that their every need was met with the formula they got… and despite my not breast feeding them they survived :)
With Owen I was determined to nurse… I learned from previous mistakes what NOT to do if I desired to nurse… and I stuck with that plan and nursed Owen. Despite the physical pain it caused.. there was something special about that closeness. As each day passed though it was getting to the point where I would dread him waking up to nurse… I felt like my boobs were on a time clock count down… and each time he would nurse id be in tears with pain… People kept telling me that it gets better around week 2 so that is what I was holding out for. The magic of “week 2.” :)
To add to the stress of nursing we have been dealing with Owen crying A LOT… im not talking 30 minutes… im talking 3 hours or more! He would cry…and cry…. and cry…. we felt horrible but did not know what to do. We figured it was just gas and his tummy adjusting to things.
I began cutting things from my diet and eating very bland… in hopes that if I ate really bland nothing in my milk could cause him discomfort.
No change…
Last night he cried from 8pm-11pm… nothing either of us did worked…
I got online last night and talked to a friend of mine in Ohio about things… and was encouraged by her. She has a little boy whos Taites age and experienced things similar to me with him.
Finally at 11pm he fell asleep in Travis’ arms… and stayed asleep until about 2:30am. Up right in a recliner with Travis.
At 2:30am I made the decision to give him a bottle… I cried…. and cried… and even writing this I cry because I really did want to nurse him.. but with the pain I felt in my chest… to the pain I saw Owen in… I had to try something else… and knew that if this continued I couldnt continue to nurse and remain sane.
The past 9 days Ive felt like Ive been locked in a room secluded from my other boys… trying to do something that ultimately to me was not worth doing if I could not enjoy this time with Owen. They dont stay newborns long… and once its gone its gone forever. I didnt want to spend the next few weeks HOPING things would get better… waiting on that “magic day” when it didnt hurt any more… and just hoping the “gas” would pass in time.
After Owen drank that bottle at 2:30am he immediately fell asleep… he seemed so much more content.
I then changed his diaper… he laid there as content as could be on my bed as I changed him… not one cry came out of him…
That has yet to happen til last night.
I then swaddled Owen … put him next to me in the bed (not in my arms like I have been doing)… and he amazingly didnt wake up. He was gas free… and happy… and asleep.
I got online at this point just to “wait it out” and see if he stayed asleep on his own… by 3am he was still out… I then laid down beside him and didnt wake up again until 7am… (had to pee)… and I actually WOKE Owen up at 7:30am to eat…
I wont lie, I cried again when I fed him this morning… but with the support of my husband… and my other sweet boys surrounding me as I fed Owen a bottle… I had a peace in my heart that this was the right thing to do for our family and Owen.
Owen got the colostrum…. he got more breast milk than either of my boys did… He was going to be just fine.
Its almost 11am… and today has been completely different than the past 9 days… Owen has slept on his own in the bassinet without one cry of gas. He has been a completely different baby! I was actually able to shower this morning without him crying or having to be held.
I was able to get my other boys dressed for the 1st time since being home … Before today I spent all my time holding Owen… he would not let us put him down. If we did, he cried.
Owen slept from that 7:30am bottle until about 9:30am, alone!! no tears… no gas…. just happy sweet baby.
At 9:30am he did wake and was hungry… so I fed him another ounce of formula… he was content after that and I enjoyed time holding him… where he looked around… made sweet baby faces and a few yawns. He then zonked out in my lap… and here I am writing this blog as he sleeps yet again on his own… with no pains.
I really do believe that I was unable to satisfy Owen with nursing… I would nurse him for an hour straight… yet still tears… we just figured it was gas pain… but are beginning to wonder if it was hunger pains.
My nursing him is not ending without tears… but I have joy in seeing my sweet baby happy and content… and not in pain.
I think nursing is beautiful… and if you can do it that is just amazing… and such a blessing.
I will cherish those memories of holding Owen in that way… but I really do believe this is best… and just pray the Lord gives me a peace… and comforts me during the emotional times I know will come… I am so thankful for the support from my husband as well… Thank you all for all the advice and prayers.
You gave an honest to goodness try and for that you have earned the Golden Momma award from this corner!
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This sounds exactly like my story with my 3rd baby. I had to older girls and I stressed over nursing my last baby. I would dread when he would wake up because I was so sore..cracked and bleeding. I would pump and you could see the blood coming out…GROSS!
Once I got over the nursing I was more laid back and less stressed and having a newborn and the 2 older girls was actually a good time. I knew my girls were healthy on formula I just wanted to nurse so bad. Ben is now 20 months and healthy…Hes smart too. (isn’t every child at this age?LOL) I know I did the right thing by giving up and using a bottle. Its not what or how they eat its about the love the mom has to do whats best. Once you are 20 no one asks if you were breast or bottle fed to get a job…It will be ok….You are doing whats best for your family and thats whats important!
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I know that it was a hard decision for you to make. You are doing what is best for Owen and your family and that makes you a GREAT mom. I am glad he is sleeping better and not crying so much.
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I attempted to nurse my first son (he’s now 5) and I had no idea how difficult it was going to be. Before leaving the hospital I began bottle feeding. With my second son (he’s almost 3) I was so determined to BF. I gave it my best and he actually did pretty good in the beginning. My milk production was very little. I have PCOS and apparently that affects that too? I think I lasted barely two weeks before I finally gave in and began bottle feeding. I remember feeling so sad. But I also remember finally being able to enjoy my baby once he started on the bottle. Not that I didn’t enjoy him before, because I so treasure the memories of nursing him, it was so special. But he became more content and i was able to be a mom to my older son again. Both of my boys are super healthy and very happy. :) Sorry this is so long.
Thank you for sharing so honestly and congratulations again! :)
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I’m sorry that the last 9 days have been so hard for you. I was just telling Jamie last night that after thinking about Owen’s trend: not gaining weight, not having pee diapers, and not being content after a feeding…I was starting to think he might be hungry too! The fact that after a bottle makes him content and happy is truly your answer. You gave nursing a great shot, but this is going to be better all around for your family. You will get more rest and more time with your boys too! Continuing to pray for you!
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You have to do what’s right for you & your family.
I struggled to nurse Sean 3 & a bit year ago. I lasted 2 weeks, but he was dropping weight drastically and he was tiny to begin with, and I didn’t like it, it was painful, and he wasn’t latching properly. I then gave him a bottle at 2 weeks old full time (he was being supplemented partly before 2 weeks old) and continued to pump until 6 weeks old when my supply ran dry.
With Mack I had an easier time, he was a little bigger of a baby (1 lb larger than Sean was) and I nursed until 5 weeks old when mentally I couldn’t take it anymore. Sean was beyond jealous (at 17.5 months old) and ripping the nursing people out from under Mack, and causing trouble when Mack was nursing, etc… which is hard when you’re trying to nurse and home alone with both children. I gave up at 5 weeks because mentally I couldn’t. Also – I didn’t like nursing in public, wasn’t my thing, so I felt confined to my house. I hated that.
Nursing isn’t for everyone. I know that for baby number 3 when it decides to come, I’ll give it the colostrum, etc, but I don’t plan on nursing. Don’t get me wrong, it’s a beautiful thing to nurse, for those who are capable and have it in them.
You are NOT a failure because you can’t or don’t. That doesn’t make you any less of a mother. It doesn’t make you any less of a good mother either.
Don’t let what other people think get to you. Let them buzz off if they come down on you hard. Not everyone is meant to nurse their children… Remember that!
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Blessings to you for making the best choice for you and your family! There are so many things we as mother’s give up selflessly for our children, this may just be one of those things. I pray that you will have a great sense of peace in your decision and that you will be showered with blessings and enjoyment of your wonderful children!
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I was at my daughter’s soccer practice yesterday and heard one of the coaches say “I don’t want to hear you say I can’t do it, I want to hear you say I will try. That’s all that matters.” Andrea, you have tried and tried. You have put yourself through the ringer mentally and physically trying to get the breastfeeding to work. You tried and that’s really all that matters. You need to do what is best for you and baby Owen.
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Just the fact that you tried nuring and gave it your all is great. Formula isn’t bad. I had trouble nursing too. I totally know how it feels. But i am so glad that you have things alittle more figured out. It will give you relief and time to bond with him more without the stress of the nursing issues you had.
keep up the great work mama!! He is gorgeous!
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I’m so glad things are looking up for you. I can only imagine how happy you must be that his gas is gone! I’m happy and I don’t even know him ;) You are a great mom and he’s lucky to have you.
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so glad to hear that you’re doing better! i had a baby crying A LOT (up to 9hours straight), because of being so gassy and i so know how awful that is!
sounds like you just made the right choice!
and i must say, even though owen has dark hair/eyes i think he looks a lot like taite!
he really is a handsome little man:)
enjoy your day!
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Andrea – I’ve been on vacation here down in Florida so I haven’t had a chance to give you a big CONGRATS for the birth of Owen.
And regarding breastfeeding, you gave it your best shot, it’s totally ok. – don’t beat yourself up about it one single moment longer. He is adorable and perfect and wonderful.
congrats again!
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I’m crying with you. You know I understand. Don’t beat yourself up over it. Try to relax now and enjoy these newborn days.
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I wish I was still 26.. because I totally want one of those :-). Glad you made a decision and I hope it all goes well from here on out.
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It sounds like you made the right decision for your family. I wish you all the best and am so happy for you guys.
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Congrats on the birth of Owen! He is just gorgeous. Regarding the breastfeeding, the right choice of what to do is definitely what works for BOTH of you… so you are definitely making the right decision and you gave it an awesome try. It is SO hard, and that pain is searing!!! Enjoy your sweet new baby boy!
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You’re a good mom. You’re doing the right thing for you and your baby. Nursing IS great, but it doesn’t work for every mom and baby – and that’s okay. I’m proud you kept up as long as you did – that’s huge!!
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Hey beautiful mama,
I’m glad to hear you all are doing better. Give a kiss to the little one for me.
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Nursing IS for everyone (if 99% of women are “everyone”). But not everyone thinks it is important enough to live through the – maybe – rough time in the beginning. Often, mecial staff in hospital and their “help” is setting the wrong start. And no one is around to help sort things out. Sometimes it’s the surrounding, sometimes the situation.
I can say for sure that nursing doesnt have to be fun in the beginning. But, honestly, if someone gives up nursing after 2 weeks, because it “doesn’t work” – i believe there is nothing more to it than “i dont want to”.
It can take time and practice and a lot (A LOT!!!) of support from family, friends and maybe lactation counselors.
I would say after 1,5-4 month nursing works well and without pain (if done right). Faith of the own ability to nurse has grown. That takes time, maybe pain, and practice. But it _is_ worth it. For both the baby and the mom.
I am very sorry you chose that way after such a little time. I can understand you – having three kids and taking time to get to know the newborn and your relationship is a hard thing. It can seem like forever, those first slow steps in the beginning.
By the way – there is a way to relactate. Maybe you change your mind and try to find your way back to nursing. You don’t have to just nurse, you can give Owen formula as well. But it seems to me, you struggle quite a lot with letting nursing go. Why not keep it up and find help to do so?
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Hanna, You know its ppl with your mindset that infuriate me. Nursing is not the right choice for everyone and for you to come on here and tell me im doing this because I DONT WANT TO is very hurtful.
You werent the one in my kitchen as I fixed Owens 1st bottle in tears!
You werent the one with me each time I had to help relieve my engorgement in tears!
You have NO IDEA how hard this has been for me.
I WANTED TO NURSE HIM. But it was not working for Owen or our family. You are in NO PLACE to tell anyone that they made this sort of choice because THEY DIDNT WANT TO.
I dont typically reply to comments like this any more… I just prefer to keep them OFF my blog all together… but at 5am as I prepare A BOTTLE to feed my CONTENT AND HAPPY SON, I couldnt help but respond… Owen has been PAIN FREE for the past 24 hrs… the 1st time YET since bringing him home from the hospital… and I can honestly say now that I AM SO GLAD I stopped nursing… I AM SO SAD it didnt work but I am SO happy to see my little guy pain free… and not up for hours screaming.
BREAST FEEDING IS NOT right for 99% of women.
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Hanna,
WOW!
“But not everyone thinks it is important enough to live through the – maybe – rough time in the beginning.”
I wish I could say I’m speechless…
As a mom that wanted nothing more than to be able to nurse my baby but wasn’t able to, I find what you said EXTREMELY narrow minded. My son was nursing for 45 minutes on each side… getting nothing and then would down 4 oz of formula. I had nipples that were cracked, bleeding, and so sensitive it hurt to even have a t-shirt on. After an hour & 30 minutes of nursing with no luck , I would then “pump” for 30 minutes on each side to try to stimulate milk production. The most I ever pumped was a forth of an ounce. By the time I was done pumping it was time to start nursing again. I was severely depressed and my baby was miserable. I met with a lactation consultant who told me to keep trying and not give my baby poison (aka formula). Bravo to you for being able to breastfeed… apparently you are a much better mother than me for sticking with it through the “rough times”.
Hanna, before you make comments like this again please remember that we are all doing the best we can. If the worst thing I do to my child is stopping something that isn’t working, I believe I’m a pretty darn good mom.
Drea, You made the best choice for your baby, yourself, and your family. I applaud you for not giving into the pressure and guilt that many people put on moms for not breast feeding. You are a wonderful mom!
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Hi there,
De-lurking to give my two cents. Hanna’s comment is nonsense, and I think you should stop feeling bad right now and enjoy your beautiful family! How blessed you are!
I’m still nursing my son at 21 months, and while I tend to agree that breastfeeding does get a lot easier as you go, and that most women could breastfeed, I don’t agree that it is something you should stick with if you are uncomfortable with it or if you think your child is better off with formula. The world is changing, and I say thank God we have options when things like this happen!
My story is what every militant breastfeeding advocate would love to hear. We really struggled the first few months–first with sore nipples, then with oversupply that made my son very gassy and made it nearly impossible for me to feed him comfortably outside the house. It was a very isolating three or four months, and it put a lot of strain on everyone. And even though it did get easier and I think he’s benefited tremendously from it in the long run, I still can’t say 100% that it was worth it and I’d NEVER judge someone for not sticking with it. Shame on anyone that does!
Andrea, you seem like such a loving mom. Be proud of that and don’t listen to people who tell you that you are wrong to give your little guy formula. Don’t think of it as giving up, think of it as finding what works for your family and then bask in the joy of your brand new baby :) Congratulations!
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Thanks ladies. :)
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Andrea, you know what is best for you and your family. Please don’t let any narrow-minded, negative person try to tell you any different.
Obviously if he is more content w/ formula feeding, then that is what is best for him. And for you and your sanity.
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I’m so sorry it did not work out for you to nurse him, since you so desperately wanted to. But you should be very proud of yourself for trying as long as you did. Ultimately, a happy, healthy baby, and a happy Mom, is what matters most! I applaud your efforts, and support your choices. I made it just fine being a formula-fed baby, and so did Caleb and Taite. I’m breastfeeding my firstborn right now (he’s 5 months old), but it did not come without over EIGHT WEEKS of very, very tough days, me crying and screaming. I was thisclose to just doing formula so many times. It was not a pure joy like it was supposed to be. So, I definitely understand where you are coming from, and why you chose that ultimately, it was something you needed to let go.
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Wow is right. Andrea, my story is a lot like yours. I tried for two months to nurse my first born and he just cried and cried and cried. It was horrible. I finally took the advice of the lac-nurse who said that breast feeding is NOT RIGHT for each baby/mama. I then tried again with my second and she did great. My last two never nursed just like the first. So out of 4 kids only 1 was breast feed. No one has the right to judge and if they do they must be feeling pretty down about themselves. So, ignore such hatred and move on to holding your beautiful boys!
God bless, Heidi
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This was so obviously the right choice for you and Owen both. To hear that he’s happy and content is great! At least you won’t always be wishing and wondering, if you hadn’t tried, right?
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I realize that this post is from quite some time ago but I somehow stumbled across it and had to comment. Thank you so much for sharing your story and for standing up for yourself. My daughter is now 13 mths but at 5 weeks I stopped breastfeeding her for the same reasons you stopped with Owen. She was losing weight rapidly, had still not gained much over her birth weight which was low. It was to the point I dreaded her cry. I knew I was making the right decision to stop but the damage was already done – I had post partum depression, a result of hormones but also my sorrow over not being able to do what I had come to believe was the only right thing for my daughter. It was a dark dark time full of tears but fortunately, with medication and God, we made it through.
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