So, I thought id post about something that may be a bit taboo for some to read about. It may be something that people “worry” about or “think less of” when they hear people struggle with it. Although they would be in the wrong, not the one with the struggle. It might be something many people who know me, know already. I however don’t talk about it much… so I thought while I had it on my mind, id go ahead and post about it.
I have come to the understanding since moving to GA… that I struggle with some OCD tendencies. We had to go through pretty intense counseling when we came to the City of Refuge here in Atlanta… a place of healing and refuge… but obviously a place where you face a lot of your demons too.
I remember having OCD habits even as a kid.
I hated when my hands would get dusty or gritty… Id have to lick or wash them immediately. Yes lick. The thought of grit or dirt on my hand bothered me for some reason.
I am very funny with food textures… which can be linked to OCD… I to this day can’t eat many foods because of their texture. Yogurt… oatmeal (cooked), sweet potato (I will eat sweet potato fries, because they are crunchy, not squishy or mushy), I dislike any fish, mainly because of the taste but texture comes into play, peanut butter, smoothies (I have to force myself to drink them), milk shakes (hate them), need I go on?
I also remember from the moment I married, moving furniture CONSTANTLY. What is up with that? bored? :-)
Now that I have lots of little ones in the house, I am being faced with my struggle head on.
I know the Lord gives you each little one for a reason, and while my boys being here have so many reason :) – I know one of those reasons is to teach me and help me, by being forced to deal with this daily.
While our home is so far from perfect, on days it is not “together” – I do struggle with looking at it. I have to fight the urge not to get upset. I am very tense if my home is messy… and even though I know with complete understanding that these little messes do not matter long term… it still does bother me. It seriously is a type of bondage that I fight daily.
Im in the thick of it.
Been medicated at one point. No shame there. Although I have felt shame for it.
I currently am not on medication… but I won’t say that my days are perfect either.
I am taking something called Valerian Root right now at night to help me with relaxing a bit at night. It is suppose to work similar to Melatonin. It is a root extract and contains magnesium as well, which is also known to help with anxiety. It is something I do not intend to take long term. Just for these last few weeks in the thick of winter. Winter I have noticed I battle this more than any other time of the year. It hits me hard. I think being cooped up indoors has a big part of that…
Assigning chores to our boys does help… but I will be honest in saying that them having to do chores, sometimes makes it worse… because It isn’t done perfect and I want it to be.
UGH, seriously such a horrid cycle!
I know through prayer and with time, I can deal with this… and hopefully one day be free from it (for the most part). We live in a broken world, we are each broken in our own ways… and this is one way I am broken right now.
So to all the mommy’s out there who may be dealing with anxiety, OCD, depression… you aren’t alone.