OCD – My Secret

ED9A8169So, I thought id post about something that may be a bit taboo for some to read about. It may be something that people “worry” about or “think less of” when they hear people struggle with it. Although they would be in the wrong, not the one with the struggle. It might be something many people who know me, know already. I however don’t talk about it much… so I thought while I had it on my mind, id go ahead and post about it.

I have come to the understanding since moving to GA… that I struggle with some OCD tendencies. We had to go through pretty intense counseling when we came to the City of Refuge here in Atlanta… a place of healing and refuge… but obviously a place where you face a lot of your demons too.

I remember having OCD habits even as a kid.

I hated when my hands would get dusty or gritty… Id have to lick or wash them immediately. Yes lick. The thought of grit or dirt on my hand bothered me for some reason.

I am very funny with food textures… which can be linked to OCD… I to this day can’t eat many foods because of their texture. Yogurt… oatmeal (cooked), sweet potato (I will eat sweet potato fries, because they are crunchy, not squishy or mushy), I dislike any fish, mainly because of the taste but texture comes into play, peanut butter, smoothies (I have to force myself to drink them), milk shakes (hate them), need I go on?

I also remember from the moment I married, moving furniture CONSTANTLY. What is up with that? bored? :-)

Now that I have lots of little ones in the house, I am being faced with my struggle head on.

ED9A8172KIDS ARE SO MESSY.

Boys especially.

I know the Lord gives you each little one for a reason, and while my boys being here have so many reason :) – I know one of those reasons is to teach me and help me, by being forced to deal with this daily.

While our home is so far from perfect, on days it is not “together” – I do struggle with looking at it. I have to fight the urge not to get upset. I am very tense if my home is messy… and even though I know with complete understanding that these little messes do not matter long term… it still does bother me. It seriously is a type of bondage that I fight daily.

Im in the thick of it.

Dealing.

Been medicated at one point. No shame there. Although I have felt shame for it.

I currently am not on medication… but I won’t say that my days are perfect either.

I am taking something called Valerian Root right now at night to help me with relaxing a bit at night. It is suppose to work similar to Melatonin. It is a root extract and contains magnesium as well, which is also known to help with anxiety. It is something I do not intend to take long term. Just for these last few weeks in the thick of winter. Winter I have noticed I battle this more than any other time of the year. It hits me hard. I think being cooped up indoors has a big part of that…

Assigning chores to our boys does help… but I will be honest in saying that them having to do chores, sometimes makes it worse… because It isn’t done perfect and I want it to be.

UGH, seriously such a horrid cycle!

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I know through prayer and with time, I can deal with this… and hopefully one day be free from it (for the most part). We live in a broken world, we are each broken in our own ways… and this is one way I am broken right now.

So to all the mommy’s out there who may be dealing with anxiety, OCD, depression… you aren’t alone.

Comments

comments

4 Responses to OCD – My Secret

  1. Laura says:

    Thanks so much for sharing your heart, I think that we all have our struggles. Mine is anxiety. But I always find that saying them out loud (or writing about them) helps them not be so intimidating or to have quite as much power. And I totally agree that it’s always harder in the he winter months. Hang in there!

  2. Deepa says:

    Hi,
    Thanks for being open and sharing from your life. I can’t imagine how hard it is with 4 boys when I feel overwhelmed with just one child at times. My issue is kinda the reverse of what you have. My husband is the organised one and I’m the messy one. It frustrates him no end and we usually end up fighting about that. I have tried and failed on my own. But I know God can and will help me keep a neat home. Same for you! Nothing is impossible for the God who created the universe!

  3. Carole says:

    Micah has told me I have some OCD too and I think he may be right! I have the same issue with messes. And yes, children are messy! I feel like I’m always picking up after Nathan, and that’s just one toddler! I could not imagine 4 boys! lol Sometimes I don’t think I could handle the mess of multiple children but then I remember what you were saying : It really doesn’t matter in the end. Before you know it they will be grown and gone, you may even miss their crazy messes!
    My biggest OCD is floor and counter tops. I need crazy OCD…..lol
    I hate our white floors. They show every spec of dirt. I think I sweep our kitchen 3 times a day. I mop it at least once a day. I wont go barefoot around the house because if I feel dirt or crumbs on my feet it grosses me out. Even if the floor is spotless, I wear socks (just to be safe!) LOL its crazy. I also am constantly wiping counter tops because I hate crumbs or spills on them. I may be on Xanax before we finish raising our children.
    No shame here, I think everybody has OCD about something if they really evaluate themselves honestly.

  4. Kelly says:

    I understand! Essential oils have helped me SO much – Valor, Peace and Calming, and Joy are my go-to’s every day of this crazy life being mama to little ones.

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