caleb, motherhood, struggles


IMG_0962There are countless times I am out alone with my 4 boys. More times than not it is my own doing but a doing that I feel is something I need to do. We don’t do much. We can’t. It is just how life is right now. The days of going and doing all the fun activities just can’t happen. Playdate’s at jump houses do not happen. While $5-8.00 a kid doesn’t seem bad… x that by 3 or 4, it sure does add up. So we do little… and that is ok. On occasion though I do feel the need to treat our boys to some adventures and one of those adventures lately have been the zoo. We try to get a season pass to some sort of museum, zoo, aquarium type place at least once a year. Our 1st year here it was the Georgia Aquarium. This year the Atlanta Zoo.

Some trips are better than others… this particular trip went well.

Just the 4 boys and I.

With a cooler packed and my mind set on relaxing as best I could in a zoo with 4 boys.

The trip went well.

I know when I go on trips like this I have to go in with thoughts of positivity…. and preparedness… preparing myself as well as my boys. Reminding them that I need their help and that daddy is not with us. That I need them to be big and to listen and obey, so that mommy does not loose her mind. Yes I have said that outloud before, to them. Some may NOT agree with my choice of words :) – Its just what comes out.

We went.

IMG_0960 IMG_0967

we saw.



IMG_0984& In those moments I felt blessed. While moments did get hectic…. one part of the day in-particular stands out to me. We made a pit stop at the zoo playground… this particular day it was filled to the max. I think every school in Atlanta decided it was a great day to come. :-) It was busy and while there children dashed back and forth with no care at all but for themselves. I watched children bicker over monkey bars and kids push and shove little ones without blinking. My older 3 boys are old enough to play as they please without to much concern on my part… as I hovered over baby Reed though I got to admit, I got nervous at times. Watching these children ages 7+ years old ignoring the fact the playground was filled with infants and young toddlers.

After a few moments there my oldest Caleb came to me and said “Why aren’t these kids watching out for the babies?!” – at 9 years old he was clearly able to see what was going on and realized it was not safe or right. I stood my ground firm and would tell those quick passing kids pushing and shoving to watch it and be careful… with very little regard they just look at me and keep on.

You can’t parent other peoples kids.

I realize that.

I know that.

I wasn’t expecting for much more than what was given me in that moment.

However, what blessed me was Caleb. Who mindfully watched for those not looking out for the babies… and wanted without even my asking, to protect and help his baby brother. I watched him help Reed up the steps… help baby Reed slide… He was like a shield over his little brother and it was a proud moment.

A moment I needed to see.

While thick in doubt right now.

Doubt of God’s provision of our family and protection… I see glimmers in the midst of His faithfulness… I am not proud of where I am right now spiritually. I am walking through some merky water and I am tired. I am not myself and I cannot wait to get out. I wish it was as easy as writing it down on a piece of paper or on a blog. Its not.

Thankful for those glimmers.

6 Comments on “Glimmers

  1. As a mother of three teenagers who has struggled through several seasons of motherhood and faced many times of self doubt and questioning faith. I can tell you that our father has a tight hold on your heart Andrea. Motherhood is so hard. Being an obedient and supportive wife is so SO hard. I will pray for you. I will pray that you feel the Lords guidance and loving hand on you as you wade through the merky waters you mentioned in your posts. My husband and I spent the first several years of our marriage tag team parenting. He worked night shift. I worked days. It was hard. At times I felt like running away. Dont give into Satan on this one and let him win. You are so much stronger then you even know,with the Lord in your corner.
    Blessings my sister in Christ.
    You are doing a fabulous job. Thank you for being real and sharing your heart on your blog.

  2. I am so glad He reveals those glimmers to keep your heart going. I will be praying for your heart and mind to find peace and calm. My first trimester and the several weeks that followed of sickness, I felt as though I was drowning in it all. Now I feel a little more sustained… I hope you will, too.

  3. I say DITTO to Tanya’s comment above. I mean, really, DITTO. We raised 5 boys very similar as Tanya – TAG team. I was alone with my guys all the time for years. And no, it wasn’t all a bowl full of cherries. Many times as you are describing. I have realized in my own spiritual journey and all the ups and downs, I’m always the one to let go of HIS hand, HE doesn’t let go. And in my loneliest moments, HE is there. The Book of Psalms is so encouraging to me. Hang in there.

  4. Praying you’ll find peace and contentment… life is hard at times, but praying that God’s goodness and faithfulness will bring comfort to your heart.

  5. I am praying for you, Drea! I know how very hard it is. You know my husband is not home at all right now and will be overseas for most of the next year, so I’m doing “solo parenting” and homeschooling by myself. It is lonely and exhausting. But, god is faithful. Even thouhh I don’t have time for real quiet times most of the time, I try to pick some good verses to meditate on. Fixing our attitude and choosing to be content and joyful regardless of circumstances can also help. I agree with the other comments – seasons of motherhood. Ups and downs, peaks and valleys, just like all of life. Press into Jesus – He will sustain you. Love you, girl. You are a wonderful Mom!

  6. Hi Drea! I just felt a prompting from the Spirit to encourage you this morning. My husband has worked as a fire fighter, and will soon be working as an EMS helicopter pilot, so I am very familiar with the struggles and challenges that come with the work schedules of Public Service jobs. We just had our fifth baby a couple weeks ago, and life has felt a bit overwhelming at times! My heart has really been clinging to 2 Corinthians 9:8 recently: “And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that having all sufficiency, in all things, at all times, you may abound in good works.” We were made for good works, we have been given everything we need to accomplish them, and we are sowing seeds in faith with the expectant hope that we will see a harvest of righteousness raised in our lives and our family’s. Take heart. God is with you. Love you as a fellow struggling sister in Christ!

Comments are closed.