From Pastors wife, to a lady in the pew.

The pass few weeks, my husband and I have been visiting that new church I mentioned recently on my blog. I wrote briefly about how we had to adjust our schedule on Sunday a bit due to my husbands new hours. His new shift while it provides such difference in the world of normalcy… he works “regular” hours for the most part and is able to be home at night now. It truly was an answer to prayer. With that change though came the situation with church. His off days rotate every 4 weeks.

So for example lets say this month he is off mon/tues. Next month he’d then be off tues/wed. The next wed/thur. Make sense? So this means Travis works most Saturdays and most Sundays. I think it ends up being he only gets Sundays off two months every 6 months? something like that. Regardless, we knew we had to worship together as a family and our current church which has done SO MUCH for us, sadly did not offer regular PM services. So we’ve chosen to look to worship elsewhere… hoping though to still be involved with First Baptist… as we love many there and live really close… so I feel as if we could still serve in ways… we just cant worship there on Sunday morning any more. Its a torn feeling…

I will be honest about something.

I really dislike looking for a church.

ED9A7239For 10 years of our marriage we went where my husband Pastored. We did not have to church hop looking for one that felt right… or had what we wanted… or whatever. We just went and it was where we had to be and felt called for those seasons. Now though not serving in full time ministry, I feel a bit lost. I feel like an outsider… where Travis and I once where known by everyone in the church, as Pastor/Pastors wife.. we now sat on a pew with a few hellos here and there. While on bad days I appreciate the normalcy of that… I wont lie in saying I have missed people knowing me…. and in such a large church I often felt small and unimportant. Sounds so selfish… to be known. It isnt even about being important… I guess some times I feel unused and unneeded?

Even though I know I have been used here in ways to serve… I guess its still just foreign to me and I think my husband can echo my words in this… in saying we still feel a little lost and unsure where we should be.

Travis’ resume is out. He desires to Pastor full time… Not to be known. To be used in a way he knows God has called him to be used. He is an amazing teacher… Pastor. Compassionate and so good with people. Far better than I ever will be :) – he has no doubt this is God’s calling on his life… and yet God has chosen not to open that door yet.

He works a regular job as a cop… as regular as that can be :) – he comes home now by 5pm… and we live as most people live. Each passing week I feel a bit of dullness in what we are doing and want more.

I want our lives to look different… and to be the type of family that is making a difference.

I would love to do missions with my children… Caleb will be 10 years old this year. He is old enough to serve in this way… and yet I feel like we don’t serve as a family.

This. Our current. Is a bit of a limbo feeling…

Waiting.

Wondering if we should invest and pour into something here… start something new… yet wondering when God may pull us elsewhere. Its hard to live in the now knowing you may not be here long. Yet there are times I feel we will be here for years. We just don’t know.

Today. Its Sunday 1pm. We did not go to church. Travis is working. I spent my morning playing lego’s with the boys… listening to music loud on the iPhone speakers… and in between wondering where we would go to church.

We’ve attended a local church that is a plant I suppose from a larger church in Atlanta… called Watermarke… Some may have heard of this church. The Pastor Andy Stanley is an amazing speaker and I have enjoyed listening to him both times we went. The children’s program is amazing and this church is being used to do great things in the community, especially to the unchurched. One thing however I do not like… is the Pastor is not there. He is simulcasted to the locations around Atlanta onto a big screen… the technology they use to make it seem as if he is there is unbelievable… almost like a hologram… while that does help, it still is hard for me to feel connected. I know simulcasted services do unbelievable things in reaching areas the gospel needs to be heard. I in no way want to knock it… but for me and maybe this is my own personal “old fashion” preference kicking in… I like to see my Pastor….

I like knowing he is there. In the room.

I like being able to tell him “thank you” or shaking his hand at the end of a message. Silly, right? I guess, there’s a desire in me to feel connected to the Pastor of the church… maybe because my Pastor for 10 years was my husband. I knew him. So it feels so foreign to me not to know the Pastor… even just a little.

Not sure I am making any sense hah…

It is one of those mornings I just find myself thinking a lot… and writing out my thoughts helps me process it.

A song that lifts my spirits though is the song “Write your Story” by Francesca Battistelli. She actually was a member at the church we attended for the 1st few years here in Atlanta… I saw her front and center at that church at a ladies conference and loved her. I highly recommend all her albums :) – This is a fun song and reminds me of how God is writing our story… in so many ways. When there are days we are unsure… there is a peace in knowing He has a plan… one perfectly fit for us… we just have to trust His timing and know it will happen when the time is right.



“Write Your Story”

They say
You’re the King of everything
The One who taught the wind to sing
The Source of the rhythm my heart keeps beating

They say
You can give the blind their sight
And You can bring the dead to life
You can be the hope my soul’s been seekin’

I wanna tell You now that I believe it
I wanna tell You now that I believe it
I do, that You can make me new, oh

I’m an empty page
I’m an open book
Write Your story on my heart
Come on and make Your mark

Author of my hope
Maker of the stars
Let me be Your work of art
Won’t You write Your story on my heart

Write Your story, write Your story
Come on and write Your story, write Your story
Won’t You write Your story on my heart

My life
I know it’s never really been mine
So do with it whatever You like

I don’t know what Your plan is
But I know it’s good, yeah

I wanna tell You now that I believe in
I wanna tell You now that I believe in
In You, so do what You do, oh

I’m an empty page
I’m an open book
Write Your story on my heart
Come on and make Your mark

Author of my hope
Maker of the stars
Let me be Your work of art
Won’t You write Your story on my heart

Write Your story, write Your story
Come on and write Your story, write Your story
Won’t You write Your story on my heart

I want my history
To be Your legacy

Go ahead and show this world
What You’ve done in me
And when the music fades
I want my life to say

I let You write Your story, write Your story
Write Your story, write Your story

I’m an empty page
I’m an open book
Write Your story on my heart
Come on and make Your mark

Author of my hope
Maker of the stars
Let me be Your work of art
Won’t You write Your story on my heart

Write Your story, write Your story
Come on and write Your story, write Your story
Won’t You write Your story on my heart
[x2]

Comments

comments

One Response to From Pastors wife, to a lady in the pew.

  1. Jenn says:

    We just had a lesson on Abram following God’s calling for Sunday school this morning. Amazing the faith he had to follow God when he didn’t know where God was taking him! I teach the kindergarten class and the simple example the text gave was of playing the game “Follow the Leader”–we follow the leader even though we don’t know where they’re leading us. I thought it fit with what you’re struggling with right now :)
    We have some many seasons in life…some are so much harder than others. Faith is trusting, believing, and following. You have faith that the Lord is working in your family’s lives, even though you’re not sure where He’s leading you.

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