I often think of myself having a disorder called Foot in my Mouth. Obviously made up, possibly. Then again, something I find I struggle with. One thing I greatly struggled with during my early years of motherhood and ministry as a pastors wife, was being free to be open and talk without to much fear. I never wanted others to know I struggled with depression as a young mom. Or that I was insecure about many things from marriage, to postpartum body changes, to hurt feelings within friendships. I was the worlds best at tucking things under the rug and pretending it wasn’t an issue. Ever. Yet after about a decade doing this I found myself completely broken.
It took many years of growing. Counsel. Real friendships that didn’t play upon surface level conversations but rather deep meaningful ones. Connecting with other Pastors wives while in City of Refuge back in Atlanta GA helped me tremendously too and being able to process hurt and struggle openingly with other women.
I have found lately though I am in a place of transition. We are in a new church. A good place where we truly believe we are meant to be for the long haul. Im now 33 years old, a mom of 4 boys, but also a mom of a soon to be teenager who turns 13 this summer. I am not who I was a decade ago but one area that I still struggle with greatly is anxiety and worrying I put my foot in my mouth, over the silliest of things.
I will dwell and worry over something I may have said, that I fear came across wrong… or question if I should have said it in the first place. I allow these thoughts to consume me and keep me from opening up with people. I am a Pastors wife yes… but I am human… and to constantly fear someone may disapprove of me or dislike me because I say something, that more than likely isn’t even an issue, is an area of bondage that I am learning I have got to let go.
I will physically make myself sick as I run scenarios through my mind as to how I should have said something differently and playing the “what if” game as the day progresses and I dwell.
This is not how we should live.
Yes we are to be wise in our words… but no one is perfect in all they say and each of us need relationships we can speak freely in without the fear of disapproval or judgement.
Do not allow the enemy to steal your joy within your friendships and keep you from opening up.
I am going to try and start writing more on my blog…. Hopefully post the enrich and encourage.
I have decided to take a long break from facebook. (I’ve done this before but find myself back on out of a need to keep facebook for my photography… or just meaningless scrolling through feeds, just because) Friends reading this keep me accountable! I want to post some times but am trying not to. Even if my post aren’t bad in any way and truly just my wanting to share a funny video or photo of my kid. I still want to stay off it. I have seen so much hatred spewed on it over the election that I just ache for people I know. I see family and friends bickering over things that should not be faught about in this way… people tossing around hate filled thoughts and words without hesitation. We live in a day when people just unfriend someone to get the point across… I have had many people unfriend me and while Id like to say it doesnt hurt, it does. It is hurtful and I have been guilty myself of unfriending people in situations I find myself hurt and not wanting to deal.
This is now how God intended for our relationships to be!
I want more from my friendships than a like or a comment.
So since I wont be sharing a lot on facebook, I figured Id go back to blogging some. When I can find a spare minute.
I will still be on Instagram (@dreawood) – as I feel this is one of the only safe social medias around right now. Since Its mostly just life shared through square images. :) I love connecting with others and find that to be far less consuming and negative.
So ill keep it :)
I hope that anyone reading can find community and friendship where they don’t have to fear “foot in the mouth” statements. Knowing that true friendship wont unfriend you because you say something you may regret moments later. As silly as it may be.