marriage, struggles, travis

15 years of marriage & 15 things I’ve learned

15 Years of marriage, what I've learned.

You can’t hit a 15 year milestone in your marriage and not write about it. Right?

How am I old enough to even hit that milestone? Right?!

While some years it felt like our marriage crept by. All in all, its gone very fast.

So why not share 15 things I’ve learned over the last 15 years.
Some of these are in good fun, some are meant to be more serious. I’ll let you discern that. :) THIS IS NOT A BASH TRAVIS post. Im confident in our marriage enough to know he’ll find a lot of these funny. They are meant to be taken lightly yet seriously too. You’ll get the idea. :)

1. That 1st year of marriage you will fight.
Trust me. You will. You will say to each other “we won’t be that couple,” yet you will. Then again you may be way more Christian than me or something & hold some sort of super human power that has given you the ability to not be that couple. We weren’t as fortunate as to posses that power. You may fight over the fact your new husband leaves socks by his bed. Don’t expect it to change, they do that 15 years later too. Or you may fight over wanting to do Santa with your kids and him not wanting to. Or not having enough meat and to much macaroni and cheese. You will fight & that is okay. Its how you end the fights that matter. Don’t bury them. They always come back if you do.

2. Some men can cook. Some can’t. Mine cannot. You can do a few things about this. Get angry about it. Give him the cold shoulder. Have a pity party and expect your man to be like so and so’s man. We can’t all be married to a Gordon Ramsey. You may expect him to just magically learn to cook in between work. You can give him subtle hints. Sign him up for a cooking class and try to have fun with the fact your guy lacks all ability to cook something besides an egg or a bowl of cereal (wait thats not cooking). Or you can simply come to a peace about being the sole cook in the home and be okay with it. It works out, unless you get sick. If you get sick just plan to eat canned chicken noodle soup and your kids may or may not live off of McDonalds. Travis can grill. For that I am thankful. :)

3. Your once very polite husband may pass gas around you.
Okay, let me rephrase that. HE WILL and he will laugh about it. The guy who use to hold it in on the dates, will not be as disciplined after a few months. Don’t worry though, you’ll get him back. Ladies can clear a room gracefully.

IMG_93114. When you have your 1st baby. Expect a few variety of outcomes to how your husband responds to the whole “laboring” process. Travis was what I like to call the type who likes to “console” yet doesn’t know how. Hes affectionate. I’m naturally not. So imagine how a naturally non-affectionate person may get in the midst of contractions. So he was yelled at and told “DONT TOUCH ME” – possibly cursed at. I forget. I do know I had to apologize numerous times in my natural birth experiences. So I imagine I wasn’t the friendliest of souls. Yet, despite. He was always there, in his own way. Yet, I have photographed NUMEROUS births and you either get a husband who is all hands on deck, checking out the portal and fascinated beyond words. Or you get the type who possibly faints. Its a toss up. They’re amazing either way. Even if they don’t cut the cord. (Travis didn’t for those curious, I was cool with it. I didn’t want him cutting off a toe.)

5. Men can change diapers. Make your man change diapers. I repeat. Make them. If they wont. Its a reason for divorce.

6. Men can put down the toilet seat. 4 boy children later. I have raised the white flag.

7. Don’t wait 12 years to buy yourself a king bed. If you prefer to sleep in a full or queen with your husband, you clearly have not experienced the beauty of a Casper King Size mattress. (no this isn’t a sponsored post. I legit love that bed) BEST PURCHASE IN OUR 15 years of marriage. No lie. WORTH EVERY PENNY. It allows me the ability to build a tower of pillow wall between us when its time to sleep. Protecting me from his snore power. Bless. We all know he snores, so its ok. :)

8. He may or may not drop your kid from time to time. Its ok. They bounce.

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9. Intimacy. I’m a Pastors wife I plead the 5th LOL. Lets just say, they wont want you any less 15 years later. At least that hasn’t been the case in our marriage. Communicating about this is important though. The whole excuse “I’m to tired” is real. Its not just an excuse. Communicating about your feelings is wise. Don’t let things be left unsaid. Don’t let assumptions be made. Talk.

10. You don’t have to like the same things. Travis and I are totally different in SO many ways. He likes westerns. I like Greys Anatomy and Project Runway. Yet we do sometimes agree on a TV show like Poldark & Downton Abbey. (yes we must be old souls cause we both love those shows – highly recommend.) Travis can sit down and read…. read..read… sip on coffee and get up at 4am without much trouble. If I got up at 4am, I’d be in a coma for a week. I do not do mornings & I cannot read for long lengths of times. It just does not happen. You can be married and be different. Its ok. :)

11. Your husband is not your dad. There has to be a study out there somewhere on this… but I honestly believe when you marry, if you had decent parents. You will often expect your spouse to have certain traits like your father or your mother, in ways. Sounds weird, but its true. You may expect your spouse to be able to FIX things like your dad. Yet he may not have a handy man gift. Or husbands may expect their wives to naturally cook like their mothers. Who were like professional southern Paula Dean’s. Yet, you may have no clue how to even saute an onion. Don’t expect your spouse to be someone they aren’t, just because your parent was. Its a thing, trust me. :)

12. When your man gets sick.
Be prepared. The can’t adult. No man is immune to this. Don’t hate them. Its more than likely their moms fault. :D [Fellow mom of boys here. I have a feeling their wives will hate me for how I baby them when they are sick. It leaks into adulthood, FOR SURE.]

13. If you don’t like how your husband smells. Tell them.
:) I hate cologne. I do. In fact my oldest is into body sprays right now and I think I may die. The smell is just so strong! I cant handle it. Travis has learned my love for smells is much more natural. Bring on the cedarwood and frankincense essential oil soaps. Men, smell like your women like it.

14. Ladies, you do the packing for trips. They do the lifting. Its only fair. :)

15. Date nights. Gift giving. Oh boy. May as well end on one that I can honestly say has started more fights than one in our marriage. One thing that we learned after just a few years of marriage was that I expected my husband to just KNOW how to gift give… and my husband had no clue how. I use to read into this a lot and take it to heart. I felt as if my value was little, if he didn’t do as I expected him to to do. If that makes any sense. In short. Do not put unsaid expectations on your man. Some men struggle in this area, if not all of them. Gift giving doesn’t always come easy for them. Planning date nights isn’t always best for them to plan. I mean they may love an all you can eat Brazilian steak house, you may be good w/ a salad bar at Ruby Tuesday. Shoot you may even just want to stay home and enjoy a cooked meal without dishes in your pajamas. Followed by a bath and a Netflix. Obviously years of marriage helps them to “begin” to get you, but even after 15 years. My husband sometimes doesn’t get it right.

You can either build walls and become angry over something your husband doesn’t mean to do wrong, or help them. If you do become angry, that isn’t necessarily bad either. Just so long as you communicate with them WHY you are angry. Ways to help them though, make a wish list. Amazon has this option. Can’t go wrong with that. Help plan the date nights. Or simply just saying what you want works. We cannot change the circuits in our mens brains and we cant expect them to become natural gift givers who always get it right. Just like Travis cant make me a naturally more affectionate person, when I am naturally not. Be ok with your differences. Learn to communicate about them… and never place your value on what is done or not done. Marriage is far more than a gift or a date.

I’ll end with that. I could probably write 15 more points on marriage and things I have learned over the last 15 years… but we may be here a while. Hm…. a book maybe? One day. Not within the next decade though. I need to finish being a mom 1st. :) Plus I have bad grammar.

So heres to 15 yrs with my amazing husband. Travis truly is a blessing. Some days I get so frustrated with him… and then moments later I just am so thankful he is mine.

He gets me and he doesn’t get me.

He annoys me and yet I get to annoy him equally and yet he still wants me. Like all the time. Monthly pimple on the cheek & all.

He sleeps on the sofa after nights of waking me up snoring, wanting to bless me with a restful night sleep. Without asking, he does it. He may not buy me the right gift, but he tries to bless me in ways he knows make a difference. Even if it means a bad night sleep for him.

Marriage. Its about giving… being flexible.

Putting the other first.

Being ok with imperfection and showing grace.

Marriage takes work. This coming from someone who after about 9 years of marriage, stepped into a counseling office with my husband and went through 18 months of intense marriage counseling and individual counseling alone. Because despite being in ministry, we are imperfect. Despite “looking the part” and seemingly having it together. Sometimes we don’t… and after our 1st 9 years of marriage or so, we hit a wall… and God put us into a church in Georgia that challenged us to get right. I am so thankful for how the Lord has worked in both Travis and I. I am thankful for the many ways we’ve both grown… and yet we would have never grown had we not struggled in the first place.

Marriage is worth it.

Love you Love – and thankful for our 15 years.

15 years of marriage, what I've learned

4 Comments on “15 years of marriage & 15 things I’ve learned

  1. We’re coming up on 13 years and I agree with this list. It seems surreal to me too that we will have been married that long. This was fun to read and made me laugh a couple of times. ? Happy Anniversary! You have a beautiful family.

  2. I can’t believe it’s been 15 years! I remember when you two got married! Does this mean I’m getting old? I have always looked up to you two’s marriage…even now. As I pray for God to bring the right man along to me…I like to think God will provide in a way He provided for you and Travis. Thank you for being so open about who you two are. It’s beautiful and real.

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