Today was a total fail day.
I am ending week 2 of being a SAHM full time again – with a husband who is working a full time job. We had thought he would only work til 3pm to start… but that has turned out not to be true. He gets home most days 15 til 5… which isn’t SO bad, could be worse… but either way its a HUGE adjustment for me. Going from unemployment for 10 months – to prior to that 8 1/2 years of being a Pastors Wife… let me just say, being a Pastors wife stinks in many ways, its hard… people expect perfection, they judge your family… and you feel as if you live in this big bubble with lots of eyes waiting for you to screw up. However, a BIG perk to ministry is your husbands schedule is pretty flexible… which I miss, greatly.
All that being said.. I felt I have held it together pretty well.
UNTIL today.
I don’t know if it was because I felt bad physically.
Nearing the 20 week mark – I suppose things are settling with me and the baby… and I just felt so tired. I was out of breath after 4 trips up the steps in our home (note to self: if we purchase a home, I think I want a ranch hah)… I could not for the life of me get Owen to stop begging for something, may it be milk, juice, GUM (kid is obsessed with gum!), cereal, you name it, he had something he wanted, at all times. While this would be fine if I was just being a mom entertaining kids… it is not fine when you are trying to teach a child phonics or work with your other child on arithmetic.
After about 45 minutes of chaos this morning – I just got up… told the kids “Mommy is DONE” – stuck Owen in his room, with the door totally shut… and went to my room to collect some sanity.
All the while Owen is hyper ventilating (not really but he sure wasn’t happy)… banging on the door…. I cared… but then again I didn’t…. and really did need that moment without anyone near me to collect myself.
After 5 minutes – maybe just 2… – 2 = 5 in mommy time… I got Owen out of his room… told him he had to go play by himself, because Mommy had work to do… I doubt at age 2 – with his speech delays this made sense… but it was worth a try… I then take him down stairs, with his boogered face from his crying – blanket in hand… and hope for the best. Holding Owen btw is sweet to me. I love when he just lays his head on me… I sat with him for a moment on the sofa just to love on him – after his 2 minute ‘alone moment’ in his room… and then sat him down – and directed him to some board books… I then go back to the school table….
Where I find my 7 year old teaching my 5 year old his math.
It actually brought me to tears. I just hate that after about 5 minutes of peace – while they finished up some seat work together… the chaos began again.
So I called it quits for the morning… grabbed the diaper bag and we made our way to the store… I had to pick up a few things… so it was a good excuse to leave the house.
However the trip posed to be draining… and by the time I got home I was literally shaking – and realized at that moment, close to noon… that I had not drunk anything all day except for 1 glass of tea that morning at 7am… I knew I was dehydrated… so I chugged 2 big glasses of gatorade (should of been water, but I just grabbed what I saw) – and the shaking did finally stop.
I nuked some corn dogs (oh yes for healthy choices right? HAh….) – and by 12:30 – I had Owen in bed…. and hoped for some rest.
But really… it didn’t happen. I laid down for maybe an hour – but felt just as exhausted as I did when I laid down.
I just felt like a failure today.
With moments where I would just tell my kids “stop talking” – After the 15th story about star wars… and COUNT DOOKOOO whoever he is… I just couldn’t stand to listen to anything else my children had to say.
My heart def. was not where it should have been.
I love my kids talking to me.
Its just today… I felt very overwhelmed about all the responsibilities I had.
I just want to be able to enjoy my kids… and sometimes I feel like I cant, because we have so much we have to get done. Stuff that really does HAVE to be completed… but really, does it? Does it matter if Caleb does ALL his writing assignments? am I a bad teacher if I neglect to do his reading for the day? Can we have a 3 day weekend every week and still educate them? :) – I know with this schedule being A REALITY and something that WILL NOT CHANGE – that something has to change on my part.
I have to find a new routine that works for our family.
That may be ditching school during the morning hours… and just going out and having some fun.
It may mean schooling during Owen’s nap – my ONLY FREE TIME… but at least its uninterrupted… right?
It may mean now showering for many days HAHAHAHA – or leaving the laundry in the hall way for an entire week.
I may have to learn to give up some of my other responsibilities…
… blogging :-\
… reviewing
… sponsored post
… photography
… the perfect house
… facebook – and oh my word… do not even get me started on this.
I came across a post today that made me so mad I felt my blood boil. It just fed my anger – and I know if seeing that sort of stuff will do that to me – that I should just refrain from it totally. I am just surprised some people can be so insensitive towards others. I wont say anything else tho… cause, well… I don’t want too :)
Ok… 10:05… time to wrap this up.
Today was a fail.
Tomorrow. I pray wont be.
I pray not only myself but my boys can have gracious spirits… and be kind to one another.
Have I mentioned I feel like I haven’t seen my husband all week.
But if Im REALLY honest… I find it so hard to find the time right not to spend with him. When I feel pulled in so many directions. It makes me just want to curl up at night and veg – the idea of doing much more is out the window right now. I hate that.
So… yea.. Lifes got to change – in ways.
Heres to figuring out methods to make this all work.
Note: I think this post has lots of typos. But. I really… don’t care :)