Category Archives: struggles

They will remember mom.

Thought Id type up a really fast post this morning inbetween the boys unloading the dish washer, getting dressed, teeth brushed and all the other small things that hopefully put them into a semi presentable manner haha… although more than likely their shirts are inside out and they are sporting a commando style below (why can’t they just wear underwear without being told?). Caleb never, the other dudes, absolutely haha. Funny how once they hit like age 9 they become aware of things better. Caleb now at 10 is very put together IMO. He does well to present himself for the most part :) – he has even learned how to wash his hair in the tub quickly if he has major bed head going on. I taught him well… Yes, admittedly I maybe only shower 3 times a week?? if that… so in-between days I will just toss my head into my tub (that sounded weird) and wash my hair so it looks halfway normal. Then again many days I just pin it all back and put my hair in a pony. Showering daily for me just isn’t on a high priority right now. Some days I don’t even leave the house.

That brings me to, today’ subject.

Being gross. I mean, being a mom. Who may just some times ever so slightly seem a bit or may actually be a bit gross in appearance haha… but gross in who’s eyes?

Tuesday this week I sat in our school room, prepping a science lesson… and as I sat there I caught a glimpse of myself. I seriously looked terrible. My bangs were pinned back but a few hairs got out and so I had pieces sticking straight up… (yes I took a pic, enjoy, its beautiful) I had fuzzy lil fly aways all around my forehead. The rest of my hair was so greasy the pony tail looked as if I had dipped it in some oil… and my face felt like I had rubbed it in some flour mixed with some sort of thin non sticky honey, yet almost sticky honey. Does that make any sense? It felt gross. You know, grimy? Not a pleasant feeling.

sleepyI sat there in that moment and began to think things such as…

…. man I am so sick of schooling my children.

…. I just wish I could shower right now and someone else could take the ropes.

…. I look so gross.

…. why can’t I look like her (as I looked at someone’s instagram photo, a mom of 1 looking amazing, with her full face of make up already on, hair done and skinny jeans on… I was in major envy mode at that moment).

…. why cant my kids just do it on their own.

…. really. just 1 shower… and robot children who don’t need me for a few days, that’s all I need right now.

I just sat there sulking in my weird hair sticking up, honey flour face… and wanted so badly to sulk… and for a few moments, I did… in fact I txted my friend Candra, with my sulking… and she sweetly listens and always makes me feel better in those moments.

After a few pouts… and pity thoughts…. I began to speak truth into myself, as scripture encourages us to…. “take every thought captive

I really still wanted a shower…. and later on the next day haha, I got that shower… but as I sat there I began to speak truth into myself to get me through my moment of weakness…

Schooling these sweet boys is hard some days, but man what a privilege!! I get to see my boys grow up every moment of every day. I don’t have to let them leave for many hours, 5 days a week, year after year. I am the one who teaches them… I am the one who gets to see them have those “ah-hah” moments… and I am the one who gets to push them through those walls when they just don’t get it and cry.

Some moms sitting at work would dream of that… some maybe not haha, I realize its not for everyone ;-) – trust me. I do know some tho, esp. single mothers, who do not have the option to home school and they so wish they could.

I am blessed to be able to do it and on the bad days I need to just remind myself of that.

The mom I saw that morning on instagram, all beautified and put together… man shes stunning, but shes only got 1 kid right now. Shes in a different place.

This is my mom and II then began to think of my mom.

How many of you remember thinking your mom looked weird without make up? Or that she looked SO much better with it… How many of you remember if your mom wore her hair nice most days, or just tossed it in a pony tail?

I don’t.

I have no memory at all of my mom “put together” or “not put together.”

I just remember my mom.

Beautiful always.

When my boys grow up… they are going to remember the many many MANY mornings we sat working in our school room. They are going to remember all the fun crafts we did and all the silly games we played. They will remember being together… and growing up together….

They will remember their mom….

… and not her make up.

Or her skinny jeans.

Or her hair, done or undone.

They will remember me. Not what I put on me.

I’m thankful for those moments of struggle that ultimately teach and refine me. Man tues. was a rough day…. we had some news come through on monday that sort of put me in a funk for the beginning of the week…. and I know that really did set the tone for tues morning more than anything… but God has a plan and He is refining each of us through our struggle….

So to the moms out there sporting the bobby pinned bangs with some escaping.

To the mom with the crusty-ish face in dire need of exfoliation.

Or the mom who really cannot recall the last time she showered.

Press on and know those babies love you. Regardless… and will remember you, for you.

Lack-o-post :) – Limbo

Anyone else have a busy week? I sure did. Well weekend/first of the week/week.
I had a few photo jobs over the weekend – so inbetween all of what life brings to my plate with my boys and household/mommy stuff. I have felt immersed in photo work. I also took on more Boba photos for this fall… so I have spent many hours model scouting…. We had a TON of applicants!

So blogging. Alas, is last on the list. I miss it though when I don’t get to blog.

Here are a few post you can look at though if you are bored :)

Wednesday’s session with this beautiful couple, friends of mine.
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Saturday’s session with this cutie….

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Monday’s session… more dude cuteness. oh the chub.

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ED9A3207We also had a dinner party to go to on Saturday to say farewell to my friend above in the couple’s shot. I met her in 2012 and have so enjoyed getting to know her. Her husband just got a job in TX as a Senior Pastor. It is to a rather large church. This will be her first church to be a Pastors wife. I am excited for her and look forward to hearing about her journey. She better start a blog :) ::hint hint mel::

While at the party I snagged a new head shot of Travis :) – its been a while, figured it was time. He btw cannot wait til he can grow his beard back. I think its so silly that his job as a cop right now, makes it so he cant have facial hair. That to me is just a silly rule. As long as he kept it well groomed, why would it matter? Travis has the fastest growing facial hair ever. He can grow a full beard within 2 weeks. Its crazy! So you can imagine having to shave every day is a pain.

I feel like I should do an update post here soon on what is going on with us.

Is Travis applying for church jobs still?

Has anyone called?

When will we have to move?

Will we move?

Whats the plan? So many things to write about but so little of me to give right now. I know those who read my ramblings get that. I have been battling within a lot these days… with the state of limbo we live in currently. I am finding it hard to pour into friendships… out of dread of leaving… yet again… I am finding it hard to “be content” with the circumstance of life, knowing it very well may change again soon. I long for something constant… and find myself very heavy some days with the thought of uprooting my family again… but know that the Lord has called my husband to Pastor… and to not go, is not a choice I feel we can take. My prayer though… is for a place to put roots… and plant our lives for many many MANY years. Not 2… not 3… not even 4 years. I want a place for at least 10 :) – and I am praying and trusting the Lord with that part of our story… Will it happen? I like to think so… but time shall tell… and I know regardless, Christ has me. He will give me grace to deal with the moves… and the change… and throughout it continue to refine and grow me, as life goes.

Hope everyone has a safe and fun Halloween weekend. We will enjoy trick or treating around our lovely neighborhood… fellow-shipping with neighbors, having a camp fire… and spending time together.

Maybe by next week ill be caught up and can blog more :) g’night.

How it goes

This is a small tiny lil glimpse into how my life goes on days you battle head aches.


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Dirty floors.

Baby on the floor with an iphone, after his big brother changed his diaper.

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Baby still on the iphone, after diaper change… and for long periods of time.

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Noticeable bruise on baby Reed’s face, after he fell and hit his face on who knows what.

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Continued play on the iphone… as mommy tries to stay awake before nap time.

Phew… yall. Just being honest here. It has been THAT KINDA day… eer. Week? Very tired for some reason (no… not pregnant). I have been battling serious head aches… It gets to the point you want to just be in a dark room with peace and quiet, in hopes to get some relief… but honestly the head aches still there. Only time you don’t notice it, is when you are asleep. I am not sure if this is an result of stress… or if it is from allergies (I have bad fall allergies)… whatever the source may be, it needs to leave now. I cannot get anything done… the idea of schooling these boys, makes it worse and I dream of weekends where I can just do nothing and Travis can take the reigns.

Yes. This is a complaining type post. We are human. To pretend I don’t have days/weeks like this would be a lie.

Keeping it real. Maybe my struggle will make a mom feel less alone today? :)

Thankful for the beautiful weather, although the sunlight bothers my eyes right now (weird huh? result of the head ache??) – does blood pressure issues cause head aches? Prob. should just make a doctors apt…

Any who, off to get baby Reed… then I have to go photograph a sweet couple at 5pm… and then, after that, I hope to veg and do NOTHING, while my husband tends to the littles….

Impulsive Exalts Folly

For the last week I have been struggling with wanting my opinion to be heard. You all who read my blog daily, would have seen a post I put up last week about the CDC and the MMR Vaccine. You also would have seen how I took it down…. and how I put something up on facebook about it, then took that down. You also may have seen today, where I posted yet again, another article about the situation.

This topic literally felt like a weight on my shoulders. I could not stop thinking about it... and it burdened me to think about all the infants and families affected by the situation.

Now before people start getting defensive… thinking this is a “VACCINE” post… its not.

As I posted these last few days about the topic. Here. On facebook. Through a shared link… I felt a conviction in my soul over it.

Resulting in it coming down.

At times I felt heavy and didn’t want to deal with the lash back of comments I got via email, blog response, facebook and private message…I realize now that the heaviness I was feeling, was conviction, not my own personal frustration over the topic.

As I sat in the living room with my boys playing lego’s on the floor…. listening to JJ Heller on Pandora (love that station)… I just sat there thinking, block after block, why…

Why was I so worried about posting this article?

Why did I keep going back there and putting stuff up?

Then putting it down.

Why did it matter so much?

I sat in my bedroom this evening, after my husband got home and I was able to escape for a moment, alone…and began to read in the scriptures… I just prayed for peace over this topic. I felt like I could not escape it and feeling the need to talk about it.

I realize today, I am being impulsive with my words.

I am being quick tempered and foolish with my tongue.

While I still stand very firm in our decisions about this particular topic. My trying to convince others to share the same beliefs… correct, judge and condemn those (even tho those where never my intentions), is ultimately wrong of me.

“A quick tempered man acts foolishly,
and a man of wicked intentions is hated.”
(Prvbs 14:15,17)

“He who is impulsive exalts follow.” (Prvbs 14:29)

“A soft answer turns away wrath,
but a harsh word stirs up anger.” (Prvbs 15:2)

I need to stop feeling the need to rub certain topics into peoples faces…. I will be totally honest, I want people to see what I see. I think each of us who has something we strongly believe in, can admit, we want people to see it the same.

I always appreciated friends of mine who shared with me information that was very blunt… at times offensive but always shared in love with me. I always found friends who lived transparently and openly with me, ended up being the best of friends.

However, in all those cases, those friends shared with me in a way, that was private… not malicious and always in love. I heard them and they heard me… and words could be spoken in truth without stirring up anger…. or spewing harsh words.

The Bible even says…

“... a word spoken in due season, how good it is.” (Prvbs 15:25)

I think this war upon mothers is so vocal online….

People writing harsh words in regards to topics like – Formula vs. Breast Feeding… Vaccine vs. Non-Vax – Co-Sleeping vs. no Co-sleeping… Babywearing vs. sticking that kid in a cart :-) – the topics could go on…

I see post after post of women and men fighting over topics like this.

Trying to prove their point.

Using words that I have no doubt, would not have been used face to face with most.

I want to start new today on my blog and social media really. To stop trying to prove a point.

To stop trying to be right.

To stop feeling the need to be heard and agreed with.

I want to be that friend who is transparent and open about topics like vaccinations…. I want to share openly with my friends the struggle I had with breast feeding… and the thoughts I have on my natural birth experiences vs. epidural birth experiences… I want to be real and an open book…. however, I don’t want to stir up wrath…

I don’t want to be consumed with the need to be accepted or heard.

So to those who read my rambling thoughts from day to day.

Know that I am not perfect.

I am far from it.

I make mistakes and I am constantly growing and learning from them.

I am so thankful for the Lords constant conviction on my life… and the heaviness he puts on my soul when I am doing something I should not. Its part of our journey… and while it hurts to ever admit wrong, I am glad we have a place to put that wrong and be forgiven.

Broken

IMG_9468I spoke briefly about this on my instagram over the weekend… but thought I would speak about it in more detail on my blog.

On Friday this weekend… my family and I went to a nearby beach/lake type place about 20 minutes from our home. While our neighborhood has a nice pool for the boys to cool off in, after the same ol’ pool, the boys often want to swim elsewhere. So the lake is a good option and close by. So Friday we went on our way to this lake… Up til this point we had been twice before. Both times enjoying our time there with no issues at all. We’ve noticed if you go on a week day, there is literally no one there. A friday however, seems to be the day people come out.

So we pull up to this lake… and begin to unload and set up our picnic area nearby. This lake has about 10 picnic tables in the shade right by the lake. So its nice to be able to relax, eat a picnic on an actual table, all the while watching your kids play on the shore.

While Travis prepped charcoal for a grill… and I helped baby Reed get into the chips. We all of a sudden heard a lady yell at the top of her longs “HEY KID! Don’t be throwing Sh$* at my kid!!” – My automatic reaction was “Oh no, she better not have said that to my child…” but even more so I was thinking “Who in their right mind is cussing at the volume in front of children!” I had a very big rush of anger hit my entire body and the Mama Bear in me wanted nothing more than to get my COP Husband to arrest her HAHAHA… Although, he obviously had no grounds at that moment.

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I cannot even imagine the brokeness my husband has to face daily in his line of work right now. I know he has had to deal with suicides face on… people shooting their brains against the wall or hanging themselves in a bedroom. He also has to deal with families broken and falling apart… spouses going at each other and neighbors bickering over someone stepping foot onto their grass. He see’s it all…. and I know because of that he was able to retain a proper composer better than I was.

I was so upset at that woman that it completely ruined my entire night. I could not relax… and was watching my children like hawks to make sure they stayed away from her. We could hear her continue to drop curse words throughout her conversation with her friends, as she sat in the water smoking a cigarette… but we just spoke to our boys and kept them away.

Her behavior makes me never want to go back to that place.

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I am trying very hard to remember that we cannot shelter our children. We can in some degree…. and I believe it is wise to protect our children from the world… but one way or another, our children will hear the F bomb, or random curse words. They will be faced to see the depravity of our world, one day.

Caleb who will turn 10 next week, noticed a magazine cover at a grocery check out the other day. He looked at it and saw Robin William’s’ face on it. He then saw where it had his birth date… and date of his death. Caleb was very confused as to what the two numbers meant and asked me what happened. He knew who Robin William’s was… and ill be honest. I had no intention of telling Caleb he had killed himself…. I didn’t want Caleb to face that truth until he was older. I didn’t feel he needed to. He loved Robin William’s in Jumanji and in Hook. Why tell him he killed himself? … you know? However, in that moment of our conversation Caleb asked me point blank. “How’d he die?” and I knew, I had to be honest. So I told him what happened… and I just saw a very puzzled 9 year old looking back at me and he just said “Why would anyone do that?”

It was sad to have that conversation with Caleb.

It made me sad for him.

The Brokenness of our world is all over… and my prayer is just that my boys would come to know Christ early… and grow in a maturity from a very young age. I want them to be equip for battle against the depravity we face… and know they have a Savior who can see them through.


And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless for the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ—to the glory and praise of God.
Phil 1:9-11

The same week I faced this situation at the lake, I also came across randomly a persons instagram account that had photographs of a blogger I followed for years. The photographs looked like paparazzi photos, taken of her, to do nothing more than poke fun. The person created their instagram account to belittle this individual, ridicule… and bully this mom. This person also has a website that is there to expose personal things about this person. From police reports, to bank statements and other information regarding their family. Now while I do not believe the person they are doing all this against is innocent… regardless of what she has done in her life or is doing, NO ONE deserves to be bullied or treated the way this person on instagram is doing… Calling her names like Fat Cow… Check out that Neck, Spare Tire, and so forth… everything about what that person is doing is just complete evidence of our worlds depravity and state. That anyone would think that doing that is right, is beyond me.

… and yet, we live in a world today, that would actually allow this type of person to accumulate followers who agree with her bullying ways, as if her words are justified by the way this mom is living.

IMG_9496-3Where have we gone? What is wrong with people!?

Satan has got a grip on peoples hearts – people are literally blind to their wrongs.

The night we came home from that beach… while I felt very weighed and heavy by what had happened… my husband ended our evening, with a family devotional time. He tries to do this every night with the boys. This particular evening a neighbors boy happened to be over. We asked him if he wanted to join and he said yes. This young boy who I believe is 8, sat on our couch… heard my husband speak about how much God has done for us… and ended the time with songs of praise. We sang songs like the Doxology… and this young boy who said “I’ve never even heard these songs but I like them!” – sang along with us and ended the evening praising God from whom all blessings flow, without even realizing I am sure what he was saying.

All we can do is learn to be a light in this dark world….

I don’t think my light shined very bright at that beach :) – but I know the Lord was pleased with our end to the evening by inviting that boy to be a part. Even tho part of me didn’t want him there – ashamed as I am to admit that. Even those with good intentions can be selfish. I would not be where I am or who I am without God working in my heart too. Cause really without him, I can be pretty harsh myself… Thankful for Grace.