Category Archives: struggles

Josh Duggar and my story of Molestation

duggar-family-1-600x450Right away the title of this blog and the fact I an mentioning the name Josh Duggar today, is going to draw probably some unwanted attention to myself. That is something I am prepared to face despite some reservation of saving myself the headache… but as I looked at instagram last night and saw comment after comment pop up on Anna Duggars photo of her son. A photo that had nothing to do with the situation… and yet remark after remark flooded her instagram, my heart was heavy…

I heard about the Josh Duggar situation pretty early on yesterday. A guy who use to stalk my blog years back and leave hate comments often here, posted the article. Funny how despite him being so hateful towards me, he is a friend on my facebook. He wouldn’t believe it, but I pray for him often. This guy also posted a few choice words hating on this guy and the whole Duggar family… Because my first glimpse of the situation, came from a guy I had very little trust in, I was skeptical… When I read the article, my first thought was “Is this a hoax?” but then I thought about the many amazing people I know who had made horrible choices in their teens and I began to sign, believing it was true. I immediately began to think of Anna though. My heart broke for her.

Last night I read through some of the comments on ANNAS page… and I began to feel an almost rage inside me towards those saying these hateful things…

For the sake of this post, I will put a few below…

8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

When I was 16 years old I was molested at my High School. He was my first “boyfriend.” A guy I liked because he was older… but a guy who scared me all at once. He was my first kiss. A kiss that brings forth memories of saddness and regret. One day into our relationship this guy would pin me against a brick wall during breaks at school.. The wall was between buildings and in an area that very rarely got “teacher” attention. When I would try to push his hands away, he would then whisper into my ear that if I told him to stop, he’d kill and rape me. He told me if I said a word, I was dead. For days this went on… and I remember being so scared I wasn’t sure what to do. I finally reported the situation to a friend I trusted… who then helped me go to an adult (my youth pastor). Who then handled the situation. This guy was never arrested. I lived the rest of that school year with rumors he spread about me… hateful remarks… as a result I battled depression, eating disorders and almost failed that year in high school.

During my struggle, I began to look for ways to help me through it. So I began going to a grief counseling group at the school. I then found out that this same guy (who was 19), raped my friend weeks prior to him and I starting our so called “relationship.” I also found out a childhood friend of mine, who I knew since I was in 1st grade… was raped at a park, while running track. DURING the day. I still remember her heart break as she told the story… and how she had to walk home with blood streaming down her leg. The man was never caught.

Rape. Molestation is wrong! What Josh did was horribly wrong. Messed up… as a victim myself, I do feel a sense of anger towards Josh. That he would be so foolish to do something so sickening… but at the same time… I mourn for him and his family too.

UntitledAs I continued to read on Annas instagram… I found myself biting my tongue. I wanted to protect this woman I didn’t even know. I then began to think about what happened to me as a young girl and despite the hurt it caused for many years, I would not wish this sort of hate and bullying on anyone. Not even a guy who forced me to endure things no young girl should. I began to think about this guy, who I honestly haven’t thought about in countless years… I could picture where he may be now, possibly married. I have no idea btw… I haven’t looked him up on facebook and never will… but I could just picture him, with a wife… a few kids… and the thought of his wife taking the kind of hate that Anna is taking on right now, makes me ache.

There came a point after all of what happened to me as a teen, where I had to forgive this young man. At first I wanted him to die. I had thoughts of him getting hit by a car and going straight to hell. I hated him. I thought he was the scum of the earth and he deserved nothing but wrath. It took me a long while to finally forgive this guy for what he did to me and my friend… and the Lord began to break my heart for him. I realized this guy, who did these awful things knew nothing of Christ love. He was apart from the Lord. He was doomed for hell… and I so desired for him to know the Lord.

My thoughts went from wishing the worst on him.

To praying for his salvation.

What this guy did to me was wrong.

What Josh did to those young girls was wrong.

… but to think that people can say the sort of things they are saying on his wifes instagram, and believe they are right in their words… is beyond me.

Do people not see? Can they not realize they are quick to hurl insults and not see the rod in their own eye?!

Why do you look at the speck in your brother’s eye but don’t notice the log in your own eye?” – Matthew 7:3

Do people really think it is right?!

As believers we face a whole different judgement than those who are not Christians. Other people like Lena Dunham can molest her little sister, and people dismiss it without much of anything. A Christian, esp. one in the public eye, messes up… lets just start casting stones and beat them and their family, cause well, their hypocrites who deserve it, right? It is so so sad that our society thinks this is ok…

I saw another post up today listing statistic about how many young men do things sexually before the age of 15… and so forth… but I don’t even feel the need to go there. What Josh did was wrong. No one, esp me is excusing what he did. However, he has clearly turned and asked forgiveness.

Oh the hate I would get if I posted all my transgressions in the public eye… or my husbands.

We are all broken people. We are all in need of forgiveness and Savior. Until the day we die, we will each battle our flesh. May that be towards sexual immorality… drugs… gluttony… anger… malice… etc….etc… we are each able to fall.

I do not post my story flippantly. I have had this blog over a decade now and have never talked about what happened to me as a young girl so openly. It is not something I wear proudly. It is not something I even like to bring up. When that sort of thing happens to you as a girl, it sticks with you… Which is why I mourn for the girls it affected as well… but there is also freedom in forgiveness… Hurling stones is never a way to go.

He stood up and said to them, “The one without sin among you should be the first to throw a stone.
John 8:7

*This btw is a great post that explains what all happened. It is well written and worth the read.

Struggle through Miscarriage

Struggle through Miscarriage

*This post was originally posted a few weeks ago on my Grace for That blog… I decided to relocated it here. Its a topic that is raw and still hard for me to speak about.. but it is something I think more women need to feel safe to share. When my husband and I wereContinue Reading

Sad visual

Sad visual

Yesterday evening I got the opportunity to get out and do some kid free shopping. All the moms of many can agree these times are always nice. I have been in the market for some new maxi dresses. I posted a few photos of what I found on instagram btw. :) Was so thankful toContinue Reading

The Past, part of the processing?

The Past, part of the processing?

It has only been a week, well a week and a few days since my blog/social media break. The first 2 days I was so bored! Maybe not so much bored (after all, can you be bored with four kids?). I just found myself at times wondering what to do while I waited for somethingContinue Reading

Encouraging the Moms

Encouraging the Moms

A few days ago I posted the images to the right on my instagram. It is an image of myself as a newborn in the hospital, shortly after my mom had me back in 1983. That is me in the first container crib. :) When I look at this image the first thing that comesContinue Reading

Social Media Heaviness

Social Media Heaviness

Do you ever have those days when you read something else, yet again that just makes you a bit heavy? From a news article. To a blog post. To a persons post on instagram or facebook. Something else that is laid in front of your face to read, that does nothing but cause worry, anxietyContinue Reading

Marriage is so much more than “surviving”  it

Marriage is so much more than “surviving” it

Yesterday Travis and I celebrated our 12 year Anniversary. Although today is “technically” it :) We don’t ever really do much for our anniversary… having kids right off the bat and moving so often, has made our ability to travel or do “really big” things a bit hard. In fact with our 10 year anniversaryContinue Reading

Not ideal way to ring in the new year

Not ideal way to ring in the new year

**short disclaimer: This is not a post to build pitty…. It is my processing of a day…. and a struggle. Being genuine as selfish as it can seem some times when written… knowing that I have so little to complain about. Revealing brokenness and struggle are a part of how I process and I haveContinue Reading

Dwelled Friendship

Dwelled Friendship

Many months ago. I would say around 8 months ago…. Travis was put onto a new shift at his work. Prior to the switch in hours, he would work from around 1pm-midnight every 5 days and then off two days. The huge difference in his schedule vs. other normal jobs, was not only the hoursContinue Reading

They will remember mom.

They will remember mom.

Thought Id type up a really fast post this morning inbetween the boys unloading the dish washer, getting dressed, teeth brushed and all the other small things that hopefully put them into a semi presentable manner haha… although more than likely their shirts are inside out and they are sporting a commando style below (whyContinue Reading