For the last week I have been struggling with wanting my opinion to be heard. You all who read my blog daily, would have seen a post I put up last week about the CDC and the MMR Vaccine. You also would have seen how I took it down…. and how I put something up on facebook about it, then took that down. You also may have seen today, where I posted yet again, another article about the situation.
This topic literally felt like a weight on my shoulders. I could not stop thinking about it... and it burdened me to think about all the infants and families affected by the situation.
Now before people start getting defensive… thinking this is a “VACCINE” post… its not.
As I posted these last few days about the topic. Here. On facebook. Through a shared link… I felt a conviction in my soul over it.
Resulting in it coming down.
At times I felt heavy and didn’t want to deal with the lash back of comments I got via email, blog response, facebook and private message…I realize now that the heaviness I was feeling, was conviction, not my own personal frustration over the topic.
As I sat in the living room with my boys playing lego’s on the floor…. listening to JJ Heller on Pandora (love that station)… I just sat there thinking, block after block, why…
Why was I so worried about posting this article?
Why did I keep going back there and putting stuff up?
Then putting it down.
Why did it matter so much?
I sat in my bedroom this evening, after my husband got home and I was able to escape for a moment, alone…and began to read in the scriptures… I just prayed for peace over this topic. I felt like I could not escape it and feeling the need to talk about it.
I realize today, I am being impulsive with my words.
I am being quick tempered and foolish with my tongue.
While I still stand very firm in our decisions about this particular topic. My trying to convince others to share the same beliefs… correct, judge and condemn those (even tho those where never my intentions), is ultimately wrong of me.
“A quick tempered man acts foolishly,
and a man of wicked intentions is hated.” (Prvbs 14:15,17)
“He who is impulsive exalts follow.” (Prvbs 14:29)
“A soft answer turns away wrath,
but a harsh word stirs up anger.” (Prvbs 15:2)
I need to stop feeling the need to rub certain topics into peoples faces…. I will be totally honest, I want people to see what I see. I think each of us who has something we strongly believe in, can admit, we want people to see it the same.
I always appreciated friends of mine who shared with me information that was very blunt… at times offensive but always shared in love with me. I always found friends who lived transparently and openly with me, ended up being the best of friends.
However, in all those cases, those friends shared with me in a way, that was private… not malicious and always in love. I heard them and they heard me… and words could be spoken in truth without stirring up anger…. or spewing harsh words.
The Bible even says…
“... a word spoken in due season, how good it is.” (Prvbs 15:25)
I think this war upon mothers is so vocal online….
People writing harsh words in regards to topics like – Formula vs. Breast Feeding… Vaccine vs. Non-Vax – Co-Sleeping vs. no Co-sleeping… Babywearing vs. sticking that kid in a cart :-) – the topics could go on…
I see post after post of women and men fighting over topics like this.
Trying to prove their point.
Using words that I have no doubt, would not have been used face to face with most.
I want to start new today on my blog and social media really. To stop trying to prove a point.
To stop trying to be right.
To stop feeling the need to be heard and agreed with.
I want to be that friend who is transparent and open about topics like vaccinations…. I want to share openly with my friends the struggle I had with breast feeding… and the thoughts I have on my natural birth experiences vs. epidural birth experiences… I want to be real and an open book…. however, I don’t want to stir up wrath…
I don’t want to be consumed with the need to be accepted or heard.
So to those who read my rambling thoughts from day to day.
Know that I am not perfect.
I am far from it.
I make mistakes and I am constantly growing and learning from them.
I am so thankful for the Lords constant conviction on my life… and the heaviness he puts on my soul when I am doing something I should not. Its part of our journey… and while it hurts to ever admit wrong, I am glad we have a place to put that wrong and be forgiven.