Category Archives: struggles

Fast Time

2001-fullThis morning as I tried to wake up… I got on to check my messages and saw an update post from a girl I went to high school with. I clicked it and it was a link to an obituary. My Science Teacher from High School had passed away. He was 62. He was one of my favorite teachers my entire high school years. I just loved the way he taught but also how he treated his students. He was one of those teachers you just never forgot. Yet now he is gone. It seems to soon.

He was younger than my dad.

It then got me thinking about how fast time really does go.

It does not feel that long ago I was in his class room. Watching other students get caught up in high school dramas. Worried about boys. What they wore. Consumed with social status and being liked (don’t worry, I was in some of those ruts too at times)… I remember many high school mornings walking around half asleep (so not a morning person then or now)… but one thing that I remember so clearly was “wishing the days away”. Any one with a “eh” and “so so” high school experience can relate. The photo to the right was taken my senior year. I still remember the day that was taken. I hated having my photo taken. I was not very secure in myself… lacked confidence. In High School I never felt I clicked with much of anyone. I for some reason felt years beyond my peers, unable to relate… I was not into any thing school related and I believe I had one of the worse “school spirits” you could have… I could not wait for graduation day and for those days to be over.

Who would have thought that 2 years after sitting in that classroom with that Science teacher who is now gone… I would then become a bride…


and not long after that, a mother.


1Year after year passed so much faster now. Every few years we had another baby. In fact for those who have kept up with me. We had a new baby in every new city we lived in. We laugh that its inevitable we have a 5th, since we are now in a new city.

We moved.


and again.

Life changed.

We met new people, experienced new highs and lows.

and the days of “I can’t wait for this to be done!” never came again.

We all have our bad days and some times months or even years… but its funny how our desire for times to go quickly are over. Life becomes much shorter and precious.

Here is a great song that kind of sums up some of those emotions…

Its a reminder for me to remember to focus on the now.

To stop sitting around questioning things so much.

Last night after watching House Hunters, I questioned the house we are buying. Wondering if its “the house” for us. Debating in my head if its big enough. Going back and forth reasoning with scenarios that may never be. Why do we do that?

Why do we consume ourselves with the “possibilities“?

Day dreaming of how things could be better.

Seeing that Science Teachers Obituary was a reminder for me this morning of how quickly time does go. I am sure life ending at 62 for him, was never something he planned for… no amount of worrying changed it… and dwelling on “possibilities” didn’t make it come any later. I’m so so sad he had to go so soon with so much life left to live.

How are we living our life, now?

I am reminded on days when life seems to be going fast… to be extra intentional and be an example to my boys of a mother who loves Jesus…

Instead of the mom who just wants to be left alone for 5 minutes.

Or the wife who dreams of something more.

The friend who battles loneliness. Despite friendships.

The depression that hovers on days I feel not needed or life feels to unimportant. Ignoring all that we have around us as mothers… and yet never being satisfied.

What is your focus today?

I think its something we should dwell on more… rather than what may be.

I pray that your love will overflow more and more, and that you will keep on growing in knowledge and understanding. For I want you to understand what really matters, so that you may live pure and blameless lives until the day of Christ’s return. May you always be filled with the fruit of your salvation—the righteous character produced in your life by Jesus Christ—for this will bring much glory and praise to God.” – Phil 1:9-11


Inside our home

Well we had photos taken by the photographer our agent provided. He came today around 10:30am. He had a nice 10mm wide angle lens, which will give the buyer a much wider view of our rooms. My lens is only a 28mm. So its not as wide a view. I did however take photos of our entire house, for my own keeping. I probably wont link to the “actual” listing of our home here… just for privacy reasons… For those who did want to see photos though. I thought this was the next best thing. This is the cleanest our home will probably ever be, haha…. well worth capturing ;-)

The kids have done really well helping us this week to keep things clean. We had to sit them down and tell them the importance of them doing their part… that Travis and I cant keep up the picking up behind them constantly. That the house needs to be very well kept for at least a week, while people view it. We think they got the picture and so far have done very well (except Reed, oh the joy of age 2).

ED9A8990So welcome to our home, at least our home for the next few weeks. Its been full of great memories and will be a place we will forever cherish.

Before I get started, let me just clear the air here. I am not posting these photos to make anyone feel like they have less than us. I am not posting this to brag… I do not want anyone to ever think that. One thing I have realized is that we are blessed with much… Every home we have lived in has been a blessing (reminder to those unfamiliar with our journey, this is our 9th move!). Each home had things we loved. Each home had things we didn’t love. While this home has very few things I dislike :) – I will say I feel completely loved and cherished to live in such a beautiful house. When we went looking for a home (this was our first home purchase). I doubted we’d ever have something like this. In fact I expected little. It really is a lack on my faith honestly… I was so use to being without.. that I didn’t ever expect to be blessed so graciously in this dept. I almost came to grips that having a really beautiful house, such as the one we are in, wasn’t something “I needed.” It wasn’t something I felt God wanted to give me… and I was ok with that. I think the Lord just swooped me up though during our 8th moved and hugged me a little tighter… knowing that we had been through such a difficult transition with Travis’ loosing his job in NC… to becoming a cop… my having to go through an extremely hard pregnancy with Reed… on bed rest… into the hospital twice a week for high level ultrasounds, all the while my husband was going through Mandate… then on the roads wearing a bullet proof vest. Working nights… it was very difficult for me… and while I saw the Lords hand in all of it… and those times grew me.. I think the Lord knew my heart… and He knew no matter what home I got, it was okay with me… but I think He also wanted me to have that joy too… and I can write this post in tears knowing I am so loved by Christ… and while I dont expect to have a perfect house, I know I am cherished by a Father who wants us to ask. Through my doubt He grew me, even when I didn’t think I needed growing in this area.

So to my house that I will love and miss, I know the Lord is good… and He has blessed us greatly. With or without.

I hope you enjoy your tour around our Georgia home :) – I hope whoever buys it, loves it as much as I do.

The front porch wraps around part of the left side of the house, I love it!


When you enter the home, you are faced with a hall way straight and then a den to the right.

The school room to the left. A stair case in the center.

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The school room and den are almost identical in size. Both a great size!


Our kitchen table for those curious came from World Market. We love it! Its about 5 years old now.

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The stairs go up to the bedrooms (4 upstairs), then as you enter down that first hall is a half bath.


Straight down that hallway you will then enter our kitchen/family room area. Its all one huge room.


I didn’t get a photo of our pantry… but it is enormous! Its so big a child could sleep in it haha.

It is through the door beside the oak table in our breakfast nook area.


Looking outward from the kitchen this is what you see.




The living room leads out onto our back deck too. There is no exit off this deck.

That use to bother me but I actually really like that about it now. Much safer for kids.


Then of course you will look out across our beautiful back yard. I fell in love with it at first sight.


and here is a view from the back yard looking back.



The Creek that you often see on the blog, is behind the trampoline.

Now when you walk back up from the backyard, you can enter the house from the basement garage…


It is a 2 car garage (although we never park in it). It also has a connecting workshop.

When you enter the house, this is the room you come to. Its the study.


To go upstairs you’d go right, but if you went through the study, you’d then enter our guestroom.


That guestroom also seconded as a toy room at one time.


It had lots of great shelving for those purposes. :)

The guestroom also had access to a full bath and another lower level deck.

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Ok now lets zoom all the way upstairs. On the 3rd story that is where 4 other bedrooms are.

yes this is a 3 story home. So lots of great leg workout here. :D

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The boys have a full bath, beside their rooms.


Taite and Owen share this room together.


Caleb is in the neighboring room.



Reed is in the smallest room in the house. It works though.

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Once we move we will take Reeds crib away. Hes ready. I just keep postponing it :)


and this is our bedroom.

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Thats it! :) Oh! and totally forgot the laundry room too. Its on the main level, right beside the kitchen. Its a good size too.

Josh Duggar and my story of Molestation

duggar-family-1-600x450Right away the title of this blog and the fact I an mentioning the name Josh Duggar today, is going to draw probably some unwanted attention to myself. That is something I am prepared to face despite some reservation of saving myself the headache… but as I looked at instagram last night and saw comment after comment pop up on Anna Duggars photo of her son. A photo that had nothing to do with the situation… and yet remark after remark flooded her instagram, my heart was heavy…

I heard about the Josh Duggar situation pretty early on yesterday. A guy who use to stalk my blog years back and leave hate comments often here, posted the article. Funny how despite him being so hateful towards me, he is a friend on my facebook. He wouldn’t believe it, but I pray for him often. This guy also posted a few choice words hating on this guy and the whole Duggar family… Because my first glimpse of the situation, came from a guy I had very little trust in, I was skeptical… When I read the article, my first thought was “Is this a hoax?” but then I thought about the many amazing people I know who had made horrible choices in their teens and I began to sign, believing it was true. I immediately began to think of Anna though. My heart broke for her.

Last night I read through some of the comments on ANNAS page… and I began to feel an almost rage inside me towards those saying these hateful things…

For the sake of this post, I will put a few below…

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When I was 16 years old I was molested at my High School. He was my first “boyfriend.” A guy I liked because he was older… but a guy who scared me all at once. He was my first kiss. A kiss that brings forth memories of saddness and regret. One day into our relationship this guy would pin me against a brick wall during breaks at school.. The wall was between buildings and in an area that very rarely got “teacher” attention. When I would try to push his hands away, he would then whisper into my ear that if I told him to stop, he’d kill and rape me. He told me if I said a word, I was dead. For days this went on… and I remember being so scared I wasn’t sure what to do. I finally reported the situation to a friend I trusted… who then helped me go to an adult (my youth pastor). Who then handled the situation. This guy was never arrested. I lived the rest of that school year with rumors he spread about me… hateful remarks… as a result I battled depression, eating disorders and almost failed that year in high school.

During my struggle, I began to look for ways to help me through it. So I began going to a grief counseling group at the school. I then found out that this same guy (who was 19), raped my friend weeks prior to him and I starting our so called “relationship.” I also found out a childhood friend of mine, who I knew since I was in 1st grade… was raped at a park, while running track. DURING the day. I still remember her heart break as she told the story… and how she had to walk home with blood streaming down her leg. The man was never caught.

Rape. Molestation is wrong! What Josh did was horribly wrong. Messed up… as a victim myself, I do feel a sense of anger towards Josh. That he would be so foolish to do something so sickening… but at the same time… I mourn for him and his family too.

UntitledAs I continued to read on Annas instagram… I found myself biting my tongue. I wanted to protect this woman I didn’t even know. I then began to think about what happened to me as a young girl and despite the hurt it caused for many years, I would not wish this sort of hate and bullying on anyone. Not even a guy who forced me to endure things no young girl should. I began to think about this guy, who I honestly haven’t thought about in countless years… I could picture where he may be now, possibly married. I have no idea btw… I haven’t looked him up on facebook and never will… but I could just picture him, with a wife… a few kids… and the thought of his wife taking the kind of hate that Anna is taking on right now, makes me ache.

There came a point after all of what happened to me as a teen, where I had to forgive this young man. At first I wanted him to die. I had thoughts of him getting hit by a car and going straight to hell. I hated him. I thought he was the scum of the earth and he deserved nothing but wrath. It took me a long while to finally forgive this guy for what he did to me and my friend… and the Lord began to break my heart for him. I realized this guy, who did these awful things knew nothing of Christ love. He was apart from the Lord. He was doomed for hell… and I so desired for him to know the Lord.

My thoughts went from wishing the worst on him.

To praying for his salvation.

What this guy did to me was wrong.

What Josh did to those young girls was wrong.

… but to think that people can say the sort of things they are saying on his wifes instagram, and believe they are right in their words… is beyond me.

Do people not see? Can they not realize they are quick to hurl insults and not see the rod in their own eye?!

Why do you look at the speck in your brother’s eye but don’t notice the log in your own eye?” – Matthew 7:3

Do people really think it is right?!

As believers we face a whole different judgement than those who are not Christians. Other people like Lena Dunham can molest her little sister, and people dismiss it without much of anything. A Christian, esp. one in the public eye, messes up… lets just start casting stones and beat them and their family, cause well, their hypocrites who deserve it, right? It is so so sad that our society thinks this is ok…

I saw another post up today listing statistic about how many young men do things sexually before the age of 15… and so forth… but I don’t even feel the need to go there. What Josh did was wrong. No one, esp me is excusing what he did. However, he has clearly turned and asked forgiveness.

Oh the hate I would get if I posted all my transgressions in the public eye… or my husbands.

We are all broken people. We are all in need of forgiveness and Savior. Until the day we die, we will each battle our flesh. May that be towards sexual immorality… drugs… gluttony… anger… malice… etc….etc… we are each able to fall.

I do not post my story flippantly. I have had this blog over a decade now and have never talked about what happened to me as a young girl so openly. It is not something I wear proudly. It is not something I even like to bring up. When that sort of thing happens to you as a girl, it sticks with you… Which is why I mourn for the girls it affected as well… but there is also freedom in forgiveness… Hurling stones is never a way to go.

He stood up and said to them, “The one without sin among you should be the first to throw a stone.
John 8:7

*This btw is a great post that explains what all happened. It is well written and worth the read.

Struggle through Miscarriage

Struggle through Miscarriage


When my husband and I were nearly married. We got pregnant around month two of our marriage. For those who do not know. I was a very young bride. 19 years old. I went from high school student to bride, very fast… and entered the motherhood scene very quick. It was all without a doubt, a lot to take in. 3 months after I found out I was pregnant, that sweet baby died. I never found out if the baby was a boy or girl but I do believe he was a sweet lil boy… who I named Daniel. For me, naming him was part of the grieving process… Although I will get to hold him, I still think of him often.

I was 3 mo. along (just shy of the 12 week mark) and I remember after that loss, struggling to understand the good in it. I remember reading scriptures like this….

Consider it a great joy, my brothers,
whenever you experience various trials,
knowing that the testing of your faith
produces endurance.

James 1:2-3

… and when I would read verses like this, I didn’t understand. I didn’t see any joy. I didn’t see how loosing a baby could ever result in any sort of joy. I got a new study bible many months ago and it has a ton of great commentary in it. I want to share the break down of what it says this verse means by “consider it a great joy...”

1:2 – The phrase whenever you experience various trials assumes that trials are normal part of the Christian life. In fact, trials are a given for a faithful disciple. Joy suggest an eschatological (end times) hope of deliverance from trials. The joy with which a believer endures trials in the present is a sign of their hope for future relief.

1:3 – Knowing (or because you know) modifies “consider” in verse 2. Knowledge that the testing of your faith produces endurance is the basis for joy. “Endurance” is the ability to preserve through increasing levels of testing or suffering.

There is so much I do not know about the Bible. My husband spent over 8 years in Bible Seminary studying the Bible. He knows so much more than I do…. I remember when I first married him. He was finishing his last year 1/2 of his Masters Degree in Seminary and I remember when he took his first full time Pastoring job, that I felt so unqualified to be called a Pastors wife. I knew so little! I still don’t know much. I am learning though that over time, we do and can learn more… it just takes effort and time.

I couldn’t find joy in the loss of a baby…

A mothers thoughts on miscarriage and the loss of a babyI remember when I lost him, we had just told our church about the pregnancy. At the time we attended Travis’ home church in a small town in NC. The church was so excited for the upcoming baby… and I was so excited to share the news. We waited until I was 11 weeks (just about) in hopes that we would avoid having to deal with a miscarriage openly (more on that later). We let everyone know we were pregnant… hugs, kind words, excitement happened. A few days later, he was gone. I remember the next time I went to church, people not knowing what happened would come up to me and say “I am so excited for you two! When are you due again?” or someone would say “I hope its a boy!” At the time, I didn’t know how to respond. I was 19 and so confused why something so horrible had to happen to me… and why after just announcing something so special, did it have to end. When these people who didn’t know the reality of the situation would say these things, I just walked away. I couldn’t answer them… I’m not sure what they thought of me at that moment but all I could feel was saddness and wasn’t sure how to handle it.

It wasn’t until my Sister in Law (Travis’ oldest sister) came up to me, embraced me upstairs at the small church and said “Mama’s got two sweet grand babies up there with her now.” that I was able to just melt and feel peace. I remember those words giving me a comfort like nothing else. I don’t think I even ever told her what that meant to me… but the fact she was open with me about the loss of one of her own babies… and the reminder that this life is not our final home… The mental image of Travis’ mom who died at age 53 from Breast Cancer, up there with those two sweet grand babes, just comforted my soul.

I never met Travis’ mom but I just could see her in heaven beaming at the sight of one of her sons children.

The silent struggle of those going through miscarriage.Life is so hard.

Full of trial…

We are faced with moments that do not make sense.

Days we may become angry with God.

Mourn and struggle.

I will never ever be perfected in my reactions.

… and you know, there is Grace for that.

I am so thankful for the hope I have as a believer. When life here is over, I get to hug that baby. I get to see Travis’ mom for the first time. We have the means to endure trial because we know that the testing of our faith produces endurance. Endurance in a further work for the purpose of making us mature and complete, lacking nothing. (James 1:4)

I don’t write often about miscarriage and loss.

I remember when I miscarried feeling almost a shame. I’m not even sure why. Its one reason I wanted to wait so long to tell anyone about the pregnancy in the first place. I never wanted to experience open hurt in front of those I knew. I always wanted to appear strong… and put together (I have no doubt its a pride brokenness I carried for years). I don’t like to show weakness or emotion. I always use to shut people out and learn to deal alone.

My struggles I dealt with then were always bottled. Never poured out… We all have an emotional cup… it can only be filled up so far… and eventually it will spill. Sadly in my case when that happened, it was never dealt with properly. Which led to depression… a crippled marriage and broken friendships.

No one should ever have to suffer loss alone.

Loosing a baby shouldn’t be shameful.

We shouldn’t have to struggle in silence.

We should be able to talk about that baby lost, just like any baby.

So to the moms struggling through miscarriage right now. Know you are not alone. You may not want to talk about it today. Or any day soon. It may be something you have to mourn quietly. You may not be able to even express how hard it was until years later.

I remember the day I went in to check for the baby’s heart beat. The OBGYN looked at me and I knew. There was no heart beat. He then took my hand and prayed with us. The Dr’s name was Joseph. I will never forget the kindness he showed during that moment… I was thankful he was a believer… while it didn’t take away the hurt, it did bring me comfort in that hard moment.

You have searched me and known me.
You know when I sit down and when I stand up;
You understand my thoughts from far away….

You have encircled me;
You have placed Your hand on me….

You who created my inward parts;
You knit me together in my mother’s womb.
I will praise You
because I have been remarkably and wonderfully made.

Your works are wonderful,
and I know this very well.

Your eyes saw me when I was formless;
all my days were written in Your book and planned
before a single one of them began.

God, how difficult your thoughts are
for me to comprehend;

Search me, God, and know my heart;
test me and know my concerns.

See if there is any offensive way in me;
lead me in the everlasting way.

Psalm 139

Sad visual

Sad visual

Yesterday evening I got the opportunity to get out and do some kid free shopping. All the moms of many can agree these times are always nice. I have been in the market for some new maxi dresses. I posted a few photos of what I found on instagram btw. :) Was so thankful to find some great ones that look great and had a decent price tag.

sad visual of what our society is like todayWhile walking out of one of the stores I went to though, I passed by a 20 something year old coming into the store I was leaving.

She looked to be about 25. Pretty. No kids in tow. So I’m just going to assume she was single or dating. On her shirt read three words. For the purpose of this post, I will post a screen grab of the shirt (yes I googled what the shirt said and found it is sold on a website, for men and women). I photoshopped some of the letters out but it doesn’t take long to figure out what the shirt actually said.

My immediate thought was to stop this woman and give her a piece of my mind. I have children now who can read much more than a 4 letter word… and I felt almost violated and mama bearish as I passed by her. I just do not understand why anyone would want to wear something with such profanity on it.

I know it isn’t 1960.

Its 2015.

I know that people use language much more fluidly these days and its becoming acceptable in more circles. I’m married to a cop. You better believe at his work place he hears A LOT of language… and at times he has admitted that words will slip and you almost become desensitized to what is being said.

I have friends who curse on occasion. In fact, I have been known to have a word slip here and there. I will be the first to admit there are times in frustration I can’t find another word more suiting for the emotion than one I would never want my kids to hear.

For me though, using profanity has never been a real struggle not to do. I grew up with a Christian Mom and we were taught not to say those words. We knew them at one point in our school year time line… but we knew better.

Today our society is so different…

and it makes me very sad.

A young girl can walk into a Target wearing the above shirt and nothing will be said.

Yet a young girl can speak up about modesty… covering herself with grace and integrity… and people do nothing but insult her choices and hurl unkind words. The idea of being a modest and woman with morals today is becoming almost taboo and something so many don’t want to hear.

I was on facebook not to long ago and came across a People Magazine post about Jessa Duggar. Anyone on facebook I am sure has come across a post about the Duggar Family. Their all over the media… I for one think this family is beautiful. A bit big… haha… but who am I to judge a womans choice to have a lot of children. It is her choice. I think the Duggar family has done well in keeping a home, making a living and teaching their children. They truly have a beautiful family. I may not agree with ALL they teach… and some of their methods are a bit strict IMO… but their intentions could not be better from what I see… and yet people hate them for desiring purity and goodness for their children.

I follow one of their daughters on instagram. Jessa Duggar. I love reading her post and seeing her photos. Yet, while I read her post, I can’t help but see the remarks she gets from onlookers… Let me say that I don’t agree with everything Jessa says. I find some of her post funny… I read one where she gave advice on marriage and I just had to laugh. She had been married for like 3 months and she was giving marital advice? Come on… No one should do that. IMO no one should give marital advice until they’ve been married for at least a decade or close to it. Just my 2 cents… still, over all her post are positive… kind… with good intention.

Yet the remarks she gets…. well, here are just a few….

Jessa DuggarPretty girl. Too bad she seems naïve and dumb as a post. It would be nice for a change to see one of the girls from this family buck tradition and actually accomplish something else besides marriage and pregnancy.

I don’t believe in waiting until marriage, or courting. How horrible to have one sex partner your whole life. You should be able to experience various levels of intimacy, exploration, sex and love. Because a “book”, written by man to keep women oppressed tells you so? These young men/women should be able to experience life, to travel, go to college, etc. Yet the expectations of them from birth is to court, marry, have children. I feel sorry for all the Duggar women.

Geez, can’t we get a break from all these freaks? Just one day, ONE day I would like to read something on line or see the tv without ANY of their mugs on/in it.s”

…. and you can see many more of those comments on every single post that goes live from this young lady… as well as her family in general.

I realize this is something that comes with being in the public eye. You are going to be criticized and talked about.

Streaming through comment after comment on these websites/instagrams on post that are celebrating.. or talking about “good things…” People will just continue to saying horrible things.

I’m not even sure where I am going with this post. I just could not stop thinking of that young lady yesterday and her shirt.

I just looked at my boys this morning and just prayed for them.

They got a hard road ahead of them! They will face the perversity of our society in ways I never had to as a young adult. I desire so much for them… I do not want them to get caught up in the “disregard for others” mentality… I pray they grow up desiring to please the Lord… and grow to be men of integrity…

A good tree can’t produce bad fruit; neither can a bad tree produce good fruit.” – Matthew 7:18

I want them to realize as believers we will look different than the world
… we wont wear T-shirts with profane words on them. We wont get drunk and sleep with countless people, just because we can. I don’t want my boys to live in bondage to their flesh. We are all broken people… and we all have the desire to live in ways we shouldn’t. I know the only reason I am who I am today is because God did a working in my heart when I was 15. When you see your wickedness… and need for a Savior, there is a conviction in your heart, to live differently. I am so thankful He revealed Himself to me… and it truly is only by His grace I was able to turn from that lifestyle.

Even if you are reading this and you are not a Christian.

I just want young women to think about how they are living. What are you putting on your bodies? Who are you giving yourself to? Is he worth it? What are you posting on your facebooks? Are you a woman of grace and integrity? or do you cheapen yourself and disregard others?

The Past, part of the processing?

The Past, part of the processing?

It has only been a week, well a week and a few days since my blog/social media break. The first 2 days I was so bored! Maybe not so much bored (after all, can you be bored with four kids?). I just found myself at times wondering what to do while I waited for something to cook. Or as I sat and kept the boys on track during their seat work. Or while I watched a TV show with Reed. Lets be honest, there is only so many episodes of Blue Clues you can take haha… Even riding in the car, if Travis drove, I found myself wanting to look at my phone, just to look, but resisting it wanting to disconnect.

Its crazy how connected we want to be. How we feel we have to constantly post something… or read what so and so is doing.

I don’t think its so much wrong… I have just found for me personally, I spent way to much time fiddling with my phone and not enough time in the word… or with my kids intentionally paying attention.

Which is why I kind of wanted to step back cold turkey and see how I did.

I will say after day 2 staying away from facebook was not hard. I would log on mid day or at night to check my messages. Because my business is tied into my facebook, I couldnt just abandon it. Yall know this. :) So I did log in to check those sort of things… sometimes when I would log in, Id see a friends post and comment… but only a couple times. I also a few times looked up certain people to check on some things. I had a friend due with a baby soon, so Id log on to make sure nothing had happened and so forth. Stuff like that. What I did not do though was STREAM dozens of feeds multiple times a day. Why do we feel we need to do that???

I found when I did this, Id end up feeling lonely. Id fill my mind with envy over what others were doing. Id wonder why so and so didn’t invite me to the park, after seeing photos of them there. Id see news articles about babies being killed and put into freezers, or another post talking about how horrible cops were… and how this cop got killed just sitting in his car. It would then spark fear and anger in me… It just didn’t seem wise… it seemed as if the constant streaming and constant connecting was not for me. Some may not be as affected by it as I am… but I knew it had to change.

So. I dont stream now. Sounds like something an addict would say, no? Lets be honest, it can be addicting!

ED9A6111-2In that week 1/2 break – I have worked out every single day of the week…(something I haven’t done in 6 mo!) I am feeling better physically and even emotionally because of it. I have been more intentional about sitting down to read through scriptures, rather than sitting down to stream through my phone.

I find myself leaving my phone inside and just being with the kids… without the worry of missing something on camera or to post.

During this break I also dabbled with the idea of a new blog.

If you want, go OVER HERE and read the post I put up on it… it will explain my thought process about that.

I am not really sure I will switch blogs… while parts of my current blog I wish I could delete (and really I could, its just going to take a long time to go through 2,000+ post)… Part of me wanted to start fresh… but another part of me really liked looking back on my old post… and seeing how far God had brought me.

I posted some pretty immature things back in my early 20’s… and I regret a lot of those post… but it also shows such a working in my life over the last decade… and I’m thankful in ways for those memories to remind myself of God grace and mercy.

My husband even mentioned to me how when his mom passed away from Breast Cancer at age 53… he had come across an old small journal of hers. He said it wasn’t much.. but he said what little he did have to read, he cherished. He said he loved reading what his mom thought about and things she was going through back then. So even though there is a lot of junk I really wish was not on my blog for my children to read… I also understand there is grace for that… which is what prompted the new blog title in ways. Life as moms with young kids is hard… and I know one day when my children grow up and read it, they will see the struggles I had as a sinner… a mother… but they will also see the love I had for them throughout…

So I dunno. I may use that blog. I may not. Do comment and share with me your thoughts :)

I sometimes feel this blog is boring too with just my name as the title. Drea Wood. Then again, I think its easy to remember….

.. any who.

SO yes. The break has been good!

I do miss Instagram though, a lot… so I think ill start posting on there again… but I am trying to be intentional to only stream feeds once a day, maybe twice… so Im not just getting lost into all yalls awesome photos :)

Thank you to all those who have been encouraging me along the way with sweet txt. Means a lot.

Encouraging the Moms

Encouraging the Moms

A few days ago I posted the images to the right on my instagram. It is an image of myself as a newborn in the hospital, shortly after my mom had me back in 1983. That is me in the first container crib. :)

When I look at this image the first thing that comes to mind is the fact that not only am I placed on my tummy… but the baby behind me… In fact I am pretty confident every baby in that nursery was on their tummy.

Yet 21 years after that image was taken and I became a mom, you would have been crucified by medical professionals as well as other moms, if you placed your baby on their tummy. I remember when I first became a mom back in 2004, I was greatly criticized. 4 months after I had Caleb we moved to Northern Ohio. Where my husband served as an Associate Pastor and Youth Pastor. I was 21, a new mom and really a fairly new wife. This was our first FULL time ministry position. We knew no one in the area… and everything we knew was now different. My mom was 12+ hours away in Charlotte, NC… and this whole journey through motherhood was something I was about to face head on with no shoulder to cry on.

It was HARD.

I remember ladies in the nursery rolling eyes… talking down about the way I chose to do things… cracking jokes… and making me feel about as small as it comes. I remember dreading going to church many sundays because of the fear of what would be said next to me in regards to how I chose to parent Caleb. Are they malicious and hateful? Probably not intentionally… but it was hurtful. This is in no way meant to talk bad about the church btw… this can happen anywhere…

To add to the pressures of motherhood came the pressure that I began to feel by other moms.

My mom in 1982 with my big brother Kevin
Moms would throw things in other moms faces about their choices.

Underhandedly making remarks about what a mother should choose when it comes to child birth. How the epidural was for sissys and how dangerous it is for baby. I remember when I first got the epidural the judgement I felt from other moms made me feel less than. I remember feeling almost pressured into attempting a natural birth experience. With my 3rd born I finally made the decision to go through child birth without an epidural… and the first thing I yelled out after Owen entered the world was “NEXT TIME IM GETTING THE EPIDURAL!!!” haha. Yet with Reed I chose not to get it either. Not because I felt I had to prove something… but because I wanted to try a water birth experience…. We only live once after all :)

Breast feeding became an area of severe depression for me… baby after baby facing hurdles that seemed to never end. What was suppose to be so natural was so crushing for me. Moms staring me down as I filled a bottle of formula… and anonymous commentors on my blog would tell me how selfish I was for not nursing my children without even knowing why I couldn’t.

Even when I thought I was doing things right and babywore constantly, I still got stares… some maybe curious stares but often times not.

When I had my 2nd born Taite and decided to Cloth Diaper. You would not believe the remarks I got on that. I remember people thinking I was so strange… and I would often feel pressured to put my son in a disposable diaper just to avoid any looks.

When it came time for my oldest to enter school, that too even became an area of attack.

As if my choice to keep my son home to home school him was to hurt them. I remember hearing remarks from women who happened to be public school teachers, in around about ways would tell me how I was sheltering my child and he should be in public school. How my keeping him home was an insult to the hard work public school teachers put in. As if that was my intention, to insult….

scan0001-1When I turned my 1st born around in a car seat, you would have thought I stuck his head out of a car window. I cannot count the times I was rebuked for switching him early… and while I do believer it is safer to keep them rear facing until age 2 (IF YOU CAN), I do believe there is a better way to go about explaining this to a new mom… without sounding judgmental and harsh…

The photo to the right btw is myself in a carseat, not in the back seat but the front. I mean look at that thing! haha… you’d be burned at the stake today for that one. Yet it was what my parents knew then…

I often wonder if my mom back in the early 80’s got ridiculed by other moms like most of us do today.

I wonder how much less stressful motherhood was for her without social media… constant articles about what we need to do to be better moms. How we need to cook with these certain ingredients. How things should look in a mud room and how our nurseries should be pinterest perfected to make our homes complete. How our child may contract endovirus or whatever and they need x-amount of new shots in order to live… because chicken pox kills you apparently. Did our parents worry about such things? Did my mom feel pressured to get an epidural or not to? or to nurse vs. use a bottle? Did she feel less than if she didn’t have certain baby gear or feed us certain foods?

or could my parents just be… and enjoy us while in that season.

Me just after delivery
I have been in this battle for a while now with social media… knowing the great good that can come from it yet seeing and experiencing the bad as well. It is truly a love hate relationship. I love keeping up with old friends and family… yet each and every time I log in, I leave stressed. defeated. small. lonely.

I know that for my business and my blog… staying on social media is sort of a must. Most of my clients I find via facebook… and a lot of my blog promoting happens not only through facebook but instagram and pinterest. To do my job and bring in income for my family (that in this season we need to pay our bills), I can’t abandon social media completely… even though a huge part of me wants to do so.


One thing I have been trying hard to do is to cut the phone off.

Delete facebook.

To put the ipad down.

I feel a little bit like a broken record in this post… but I just cant stop thinking about it.

On a night where I feel a little weepy because of a situation I can’t yet really express fully… I can’t help but feel frustration over how we treat each other through social media... I just want to encourage all those reading to love other moms… to bite the tongue even if you feel the need to chime in (trust me, I have been there and done that…guilty…guilty…guilty…) Before you hit “enter”, remember that mom is doing her best… and loving those babies well… Sometimes keeping our thoughts to ourselves is best and wise.

… and if anyone reading my blog has ever felt judged… or less than. I am sorry. Whenever I blog those are never my intentions.

I am in the thick of motherhood just like the rest of you :) – and my decision may work for me but it isn’t gospel.

Lets love those babies and each other today.

I’m on my moms lap, brother to the left. Dad to the right.
Abuela (Grandmother) and center my Bisabuela (great grandmother)